


with every word you swear to me (all my beliefs start caving in)

by deliveryservice



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2017-07-18
Packaged: 2018-12-03 14:46:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 27,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11534430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deliveryservice/pseuds/deliveryservice
Summary: “You’re a sophomore. I’m sure there are lots of things you still don’t know,” Youngmin teases Donghyun, all bark and no bite. Donghyun scoffs in return, but the good natured grin is still on his lips and his eyes are still sparkling with unrestrained mirth.(Here, Youngmin wishes he had a polaroid, because that’s a pretty sight and he wants to take a picture of it—of Donghyun smiling and looking like everything’s alright in the world even if everything isn’t—because this moment is something he wants to remember for a long, long time.)“Yeah? Like what?” Donghyun challenges, raising a brow at Youngmin expectantly.“Like the fact that you feel a lot like home,” is what Youngmin wants to say, but Donghyun might think Youngmin’s hitting on him, and Youngmin definitely isn’t. Donghyun’s just a friend. A really, really nice friend that Youngmin’s nowhere short of adoring, but that’s it. A friend. A bro, if he must call him that. So, instead of blurting that out and unintentionally starting either a rift or a heart to heart, Youngmin shrugs. “Like,things.”





	with every word you swear to me (all my beliefs start caving in)

**Author's Note:**

> The title is taken from a Sing Street song, and a title reference lays ahead.
> 
> Thank you to all of my friends who have been dealing with my insufferable ass during the time period of this story's creation. I've been vocal about this to them and I know it's annoying as hell. I couldn't resist _not_ writing this because this ship is one that deserves more fics, seriously.
> 
> I'll admit the editing is still rough, nonetheless, hopefully reading this won't feel like a chore.

 

 

**I.**

 

 _"We are condemned — and we understand it_  
_well —_  
_To give everything, to withhold nothing."_

 

 

* * *

 

 

People always have a drive. It’s their motivation, their _will_ , some kind of thought that _drives_ them to do whatever it is they’ve determined to be important enough to turn into reality. For world leaders, their drive might be to make their countries a better place, and for supreme sith lords from Star Wars, their drive might be to make things as bad as possible. A drive is _neutral_. It can be good, it can be bad, or it can be full-on chaotic neutral, but for Youngmin, he’s only got one drive, and it’s to make music.

 

(In retrospect, saying that his drive is to make music seems bizarrely anti-climatic when compared to the examples he’d stated, but Youngmin, despite being a rapper, is terrible at wording things out. Or, saying things. Stating? Saying? Either one.)

 

The first time he’d listened to his cousin play guitar, it felt like someone was constructing some kind of heavenly performance right in front of his eyes, even though looking back, listening to an eleven year-old pluck the same few strings to play a cheap rendition of Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata should hardly be life-changing. Maybe Youngmin was just easily impressed as a kid, as most kids tend to be, but whatever the case is, it was _music_ and it was his love at first sight. No, wait, not first sight—love at first sound? That.

 

“Teach me,” he’d breathed, eyes as wide as saucers in their amazement. His cousin wags his fingers at him and shakes his head, ends up saying something like ‘you’re too young to learn the art of guitar’, and Youngmin sulks afterwards. His pity party doesn’t stop him from sticking around when his cousin plays a few more songs though, and with every passing melody, he finds himself sinking deeper and deeper into the pool that is his constantly growing love for music. This is going to be _his_ thing, just as his mother’s thing is sewing and his father’s thing is growing tomatoes at their farm. Youngmin helps out too, sometimes, but he doesn’t want to be stuck farming tomatoes all his life.

 

Music is what Youngmin wants to do, and one day, Youngmin’s going to be the best one out there. He just _knows_ it.

 

 

* * *

  

 

Seoul University takes him out of Busan and into the capital of his nation. Youngmin is an awkward young adult; he fumbles with the Seoul dialect, and more often than not, slips back into his _satoori_ in the middle of his sentences, especially when he’s nervous. (And he’s nervous quite often.)

 

Still, Seoul University might place him somewhere he’s completely not used to, because they didn’t have these skyscrapers back in Busan and he sure as hell isn’t used to the city lingo around here, but Seoul University takes him closer to his dreams, and that’s all that matters. He didn’t work his ass off during his last year of high school just to let all his hard work go to waste, no matter how homesick he gets sometimes, no matter how few friends he has on campus because of the awkward, unsure way Youngmin carries himself.

 

(The awkwardness is a little unlike the way Youngmin had been back in Busan. Though he was never the icon of confidence, the nerves hadn’t been as present, and that’s because Youngmin was _home._ Now, he feels like a stranger in his own skin whenever he speaks in a dialect that isn’t his own.)

 

Youngmin sucks it up. He makes do with what friends he _does_ have, and spends his nights writing down lyrics, laptop still on with the composing program shown across his screen. Packets of cup ramen surround him, discarded and making his small studio room stink of instant noodles, but this is nothing. He convinces himself _it’s nothing_ anyway, because all of this will get better once everything works out.

 

They have to.

 

  

* * *

 

 

 

Three years into his studies, Youngmin finds a familiar face in the crowd that is the music department’s newest batch of students.

 

He doesn’t recognize _him_ at first. The kid now sports dyed red hair (the colour is ridiculous, but then again, Youngmin’s hair used to be an even brighter shade of it before he’d decided to return it to its original colour) and his features have matured, which is to be expected, because time waits for no one. Still, Youngmin does a double check, because the kid has an eerie resemblance to a certain Busan boy who used to drill Youngmin for money (not in an illegal manner, though it was surely annoying at certain times) during the most opportune moments.

 

As soon as the ceremony ends, Youngmin rushes down the stairs, heart pounding in his chest from excitement. The kid attempts to leave the building immediately (and he’s alone, too), but Youngmin is there by the door in a flash, blocking him from his exit.

 

“Um, do you mind?”

 

The kid seems to be too focused on looking past Youngmin’s shoulders to look at Youngmin’s face, and Youngmin feels slightly guilty, because he might be in a rush and Youngmin’s stalling his time. Still, he’s a man on a mission, so he _does_ mind, thank you very much.

 

“Park Woojin?” Youngmin says the name tentatively, tasting the long unspoken syllables on his tongue. He’s going to be embarrassed if he gets this wrong, but Youngmin is at least 99% sure that he’s right, because there’s really _no_ way someone can look like another person this much. Unless puberty is _that_ powerful, which Youngmin highly doubts, because the kid’s even got the same beauty mark on the side of his temple, the same spot the Woojin he knows has one.

 

Unless cloning has become a possibility and a mad scientist has sent his creation to Seoul University’s music department, Youngmin’s postive the kid is the same Park Woojin he knows.

 

Woojin freezes, obviously surprised someone knows his name without him having given it prior (or so he _thinks_!), at least, until he finally looks at Youngmin’s face and realization dawns upon his features. Good, Youngmin didn’t get the wrong guy. “Youngmin hyung!”

 

Youngmin wants to hug the kid, but at the same time, they haven’t seen each other for so long that even after Woojin recognizing him, the two of them have a tangible awkwardness between them. Youngmin’s arms are limp, and Woojin doesn’t seem to have the initiative to hug Youngmin. The kid’s never been much of a hugger though, has he?

 

“Do you want to catch up?” Youngmin offers, a wry quirk to his lips. There’s a coffee shop—Youngmin’s favourite coffee shop, as a matter of fact—located just around the block. It should be open by now, and Youngmin hasn’t had the daily shot of espresso he needs to function in the morning. (Whose bright idea was it to hold the freshmen tour so early in the morning anyway? Not _his_ , that’s for sure.)

 

 

* * *

  

 

If Youngmin feels better knowing Woojin’s _satoori_ is even worse than his when he’d first moved to Seoul, he doesn’t let it show.

 

The both of them are cramped together in one of the cornered seats of the coffee shop, half-empty cups of coffee both placed on the table. Youngmin’s taking his time with his, though he’s tempted to down it in one shot. The only reason why he hasn’t is because Woojin’s there with him, and he’s not sure if Woojin would be terrified or seriously concerned if he sees Youngmin do that. Freshmen are weird.

 

“I have to thank you, hyung,” Woojin mumbles, voice uncharacteristically demure. When Woojin refuses to meet his eyes, Youngmin realizes that Woojin is _shy_. Is that even possible? (Apparently so, but Youngmin still has a tough time believing it, even if seeing is supposedly believing.)

 

“What for, Woojin?”

 

Woojin appears contemplative. Not for the first time in this conversation, Youngmin wishes he can see what’s going on inside the younger’s head, but that’d be an invasion of privacy so Youngmin retracts the thought—being creepy isn’t really on his bucket list. “You’re the reason why my parents allowed me to come here.”

 

“…Huh?”

 

Woojin grins, snaggletooth and all. It’s charming. “My mom only let me come here because she knew you’d be here, too. She trusts you.”

 

The weight of Woojin’s words soon sink in, and Youngmin looks at the younger with barely concealed horror. “I am _not_ going to babysit you—”

 

It’s nothing personal, because Youngmin adores Woojin no matter how much money the younger has taken from him. Woojin’s a nice kid and he’s not a big hassle because Youngmin knows he’s the responsible type and he can handle most of his own problems. As far as younger brother figures go, Woojin’s on the independent end of the spectrum. Still, Youngmin isn’t _fond_ of the thought of spending a majority of his nights looking after the freshman, close ties or not. He’s got his own life to live, his own problems to deal with. He doesn’t need to add Woojin on top of all that, no matter how much he likes the kid’s company.

 

“It won’t be babysitting!” Woojin cuts him off in the middle of his tirade, already latching onto Youngmin’s tone. It shuts Youngmin up, at least, lets him sink back onto his chair and give a gesture with his hands that’s meant to signal Woojin to explain. Hopefully quickly, because Youngmin has a date with his lyrics sheet back at his dorm. “You’ll just need to check on me every once in a while—okay, once a week—and text my mom how I’m doing. With pictures attached.”

 

“That sounds a lot like irresponsible babysitting, Woojin.” Judging by the guilty, sheepish grin that blooms on Woojin’s lips, it _is_ , and Youngmin pinches the bridge of his nose in exasperation. He’s already made up a decision, and it is exactly the kind of decision that makes Youngmin wish he wasn’t so responsible and (maybe a little) overbearing. “Text me your class schedule. We’ll work something out.”

 

Woojin gnaws on his lower lip. “But hyung, I don’t have your number yet.”

 

“Give me your phone, then.” Woojin hands it over without a fight, and Youngmin punches in his number, leaving the name blank. Whatever Woojin wants to name his contact as, it’s the kid’s choice. “Don’t forget to text me later, okay?”

 

Like an obedient oversized puppy, Woojin nods, lips set into a dutiful thin line. “Roger that, hyung. Wait, where are you going?” Youngmin’s already getting out of his seat and Woojin clambers after him, and in the process of rushing, accidentally hits his knee on the roof of their table. It makes an audible noise, and Woojin hisses in pain. Youngmin cringes.

 

“I’m guessing I’ll leave that part out when I report to your mom?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Youngmin’s on his third cup ramen for the day and is inching closer and closer towards his imminent death due to a gaping lack of proper nutrition when his phone buzzes, indicating a new message.

 

It’s an unknown number, but the tone of the message makes it obvious as to who it is, so before responding, Youngmin saves his number. (He should’ve taken a picture of Woojin too, or at least find one online, because Youngmin has a thing with giving his contacts pictures—he’ll have to fix this later, maybe ask Woojin for a selfie?)

 

won stealer (13:15): hyung i have a great idea

won stealer (13:15): like, a really good one

won stealer (13:16): please hear me out

paca hyung (13:18): what is it?

won stealer (13:18): ok you’re here

won stealer (13:18): have you ever thought about making a band?

paca hyung (13:19): uh, no

won stealer (13:19): it’s a good idea and i can list down the reasons!

won stealer (13:19): do you want me to list down the reasons

paca hyung (13:20): go for it kid

won stealer (13:21): first of all you can totally look after me while being productive

won stealer (13:21): you can improve your song writing skills

won stealer (13:22): also you can submit the band as a project to your prof

won stealer (13:22): it’ll be extra credit!!!

paca hyung (13:23): okay, you’re onto something here

paca hyung (13:23): won’t hurt a shot lol what do i have to lose

won stealer (13:24): great because i might have already found us our vocalist and keyboardist

paca hyung (13:25): …

paca hyung (13:25): what

 

 

* * *

 

 

Whatever it is he’d expected of the vocalist, Youngmin surely hadn’t expected it to be someone even younger than Woojin. Their would-be vocalist and keyboardist is apparently a prodigy and got into college early through a fast track program Youngmin can’t seem to remember the name of. Long story short, the person Youngmin’s supposed to recruit seems like he’d belong more in the school orchestra rather than a band, and Youngmin doesn’t even _want_ to know how Woojin managed to lure someone like that into his band. Maybe he should start giving Woojin more credit.

 

“Where’d you find him?” Youngmin doesn’t bother to make sure the vocalist (his name is Lee Daehwi, he’d mentioned before somewhere during their conversation) is out of the room when he asks this to Woojin, because it’s not like he’s going to say something rude about Daehwi anyway, and by the tone of Youngmin’s voice, it should be easy to defer that this is being spoken as a compliment.

 

Woojin smiles smugly. “I know people.”

 

“If by that you mean you posted an ad on the bulletin board and waited for someone to respond, then yeah, you know people,” Daehwi muttered under his breath, carefully avoiding Woojin’s piercing glance when directed towards him.

 

It was in that moment that Youngmin knew he’s going to like having Lee Daehwi around.

 

“Welcome to the band.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

The three of them make Youngmin’s favourite coffee shop as their base of operations. It’s a slow start, but it’s still a start, and their forming leads Youngmin to wonder why he hadn’t thought of something like this before.

 

“What are we going to name ourselves?” Daehwi asks one day, notepad in hand. He’s their resident planner and secretary as well as their vocalist and keyboardist, because everyone knows you should only leave those jobs to Woojin if you wanted your documents to get lost and it’s an open secret that Youngmin’s not the most organized person around. (“That much’s obvious with the way you layer your shirts,” Daehwi once said to him, and Youngmin refused to speak to the younger for a whole day afterwards. Not one of his best moments.)

 

Woojin’s nose scrunches up, and it’s the telltale sign that he’s thinking, because it’s his ‘thinking face.’ Youngmin remembers having a younger version of Park Woojin confiding this to him once, maybe over five years ago.

 

“How about WYD? Like, What You Doing? It’s got our names too! W for me, Y for Youngmin hyung, and D for Daehwi!”

 

As far as ideas go, that’s not terrible, and Daehwi writes it down. “Alright, that’s one idea. Youngmin hyung, do you have any ideas?”

 

Names aren’t his forte, but Youngmin takes into account the other two’s hopeful expressions, and somehow, his brain conjures up images of a sparrow and an otter instead of a band name that doesn’t sound like it came out of the ‘80s. But, Woojin and Daehwi both resemble those animals, and if Youngmin’s got to think of an animal for himself, it’d definitely have to be an alpaca (Woojin even saved his number as ‘paca hyung’)—he might be onto something here, and Youngmin might be able to kill two birds with one stone. The band name as well as what sets them apart from other bands, because in the music department, there are a _lot_.

 

“Animal Kingdom.” He’s met with dumbfounded silence and incredulous stares from Woojin and Daehwi. Woojin looks like he’s more surprised over the fact someone gave a name that sounded sillier than what he himself had suggested, and Daehwi looks exactly like someone who has just realized he’s surrounded by not just one, but _two_ knuckleheads. So, Youngmin gives a follow-up to his statement immediately, which is a really PR thing to do and makes him realize he’s been hanging out with the PR kids _way_ too much lately. “It makes sense! You look like a sparrow, and Daehwi looks like an otter. I look like an alpaca.”

 

Daehwi frowns. “You’ve got a point, but the name is so _cheesy_. And _I’m_ the one saying that.”

 

When Daehwi of all people is saying something’s cheesy, then aforementioned something must be pretty damned cheesy, considering the fact Daehwi’s someone who can read a Nicholas Sparks book overnight and come out unscathed, even saying something like ‘it wasn’t _that_ cheesy.’ Youngmin feels like a little part of himself has been scabbed. (The hip-hop part of himself, he means, because having a band called Animal Kingdom might not be the swaggiest—that’s probably not a word but one of the Taiwanese exchange students seems to think it is and Youngmin’s been infected by the kid’s word virus—thing to do.)

 

“A different name with the same concept, then?” Youngmin tries, and when the kids realize he’s not going to give up the animal concept any time soon, they give in with a sigh, though Woojin makes it evident he doesn’t think Youngmin entirely knows what he’s doing.

 

“How am I going to go to classes when people know me as a _sparrow_?” Woojin laments under his breath, and Youngmin brings himself to chuckle.

 

“At least you won’t be known as an alpaca.”

 

Woojin has the gall to turn his nose up at him. “But I thought you liked being called an alpaca? I mean, you’ve got the whole alpaca dance thing down to a—”

 

“Nope, I can’t hear you, Woojin.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

This isn’t working.

 

Theoretically speaking, it _should_ be working, because they’ve got two rappers and one decent vocalist; not to mention Daehwi’s composing skills when teamed up with Woojin and Youngmin’s own (with the addition of each of their ability in lyric making) they should be a _dream team_. Not a trio of overworked college students who can barely get through practice without interrupting each other because _that was a wrong note_ and something like one of them accidentally going off-tune.

 

Put simply, they’re a disaster, and Youngmin’s starting to regret investing all his time into this when he’s got a stack of assignments waiting for him back at his place. Maybe it was a stupid move of his, to consider that this whole thing would work out, because obviously he’s supposed to _suffer_ his way through college before getting out and hopefully getting his big break. He’s added a ‘hopefully’ to that word, because there’s only so many success stories compared to the amount of failed musicians he sees, even if they’re graduates from South Korea’s top university.

 

It gets discouraging, and that leads to stress, and the stress tends to pile up.

 

So, what Youngmin’s trying to say is, maybe he’s _not_ okay. He’d figured this whole band thing would be a magic key, but it’s starting to look like he’d chosen the wrong object and one of these days he’s going to have to come back to his cherry farm and—

 

And, he needs to calm himself, because this _really_ isn’t the greatest place to have a mental breakdown. (Added to that, Daehwi’s starting to look worried and even Woojin’s caught onto the unsteady twist in Youngmin’s features. Deep breaths.)

 

“Hyung, are you okay?” Daehwi edges carefully, eyes searching for any trace of anything that’s _not okay_ from Youngmin’s form. If he looks at the right places, he’s bound to find a hell lot of it.

 

“I’ll be honest,” Youngmin begins, voice blunt. “Not really. The band isn’t working out.” Subtlety has never been Youngmin’s strong point, so he decides to drop the bomb just like that, and averts his eyes because he doesn’t want to see whatever disappointment is waiting for him in both Woojin and Daehwi. It’d be like looking into the eyes of a puppy he’s abandoned, and he doesn’t need that on his already heavy conscience. (One of these days, Youngmin’s going to have a breakdown, he can practically _feel_ it.)

 

“I’m sorry.” Woojin sounds so _guilty_ , and Youngmin wants to tell Woojin that he doesn’t have to feel like he’s the guilty one. Even though Woojin’s the one who came up with the idea, in the end it had been Youngmin who’d executed it, and that makes him even worse because his role had him feeding the two kids some kind of false hope for… what? A reputation upgrade? A few extra points in class? It’s not like he’d sold them hopes and dreams, per se, but _still_.

 

“It’s not your fault. It’s mine,” Youngmin resolves, ignoring Woojin’s look of bafflement directed at him. “Listen, Woojin—”

 

“No, _you_ listen, hyung.” That manages to shut Youngmin up, because Woojin is usually exuberant and vibrant, maybe more on the grumpy than the sunshine side of things (unlike Daehwi), but there’s a certain layer of ice behind Woojin’s tone that takes him completely aback. “You’re not the one at fault here. I don’t know _why_ you’re thinking that when this whole idea was mine in the first place. You wouldn’t have formed our band if I hadn’t given you that idea—so if anyone’s to blame, it’s me. Please don’t blame yourself over this, hyung.”

 

“But I—”

 

“Stop blaming yourselves, oh my God,” Daehwi interrupts their self-pity, sounding more exasperated than angry. Is that a good thing? Youngmin hopes that’s a good thing. “This was none of your faults. Sometimes things don’t work out the way we want it to.” After a contemplative pause, he adds, “Kind of like a relationship.”

 

“A relationship?” Woojin mirrors Youngmin’s face of blatant confusion. Though, maybe to a more serious extent, because Youngmin’s starting to get the idea of what Daehwi’s saying, having had his fair share of relationships. Woojin’s been single since he was born, so Youngmin tries to understand the youthful innocence that rolls off him in waves.

 

“Yeah, a relationship. Sometimes you might give it your all, time and everything, but in the end some things just aren’t meant to work out.” Daehwi is probably speaking from experience, judging by the sadness that laces his tone. Youngmin makes a mental note to ask Daehwi if he wants to talk about it later. _If_ there is a later.

 

 

In the end, the both of them look at Youngmin. He knows why, of course. They consider him as their leader. It’s a heavy burden, because he makes all of the important decisions, kind of like this one.

 

This time, the decision he makes is far from being an easy one.

 

“If we’re comparing this to a relationship, then it’s time to take a break.” And, because he can’t bear to see the both of them being sad, he decides to add in a pinch of humour—even if Woojin’s going to be the only one appreciating it in the end as Daehwi’s taste in humour isn’t as lame as his and Woojin’s. “It’s not you, it’s me.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Neither Daehwi nor Woojin stop texting him, even after their failed attempt of a band ends before it even really begins. None of them act like a stranger around him, never forgetting to nod in acknowledgement or wave whenever they spot each other around campus. When they bump into each other in the halls, they greet each other too.

 

In a way, it settles Youngmin, because it doesn’t feel like much has changed. Maybe the three of them don’t meet up to make music anymore, but none of them have stopped being friends. Even if Daehwi’s found his own group of friends (with some of the more popular kids in freshman year, he recognizes Park Jihoon as one of them because he’s got a handful of friends who wants to be introduced to the kid) and Woojin’s slowly breaking through of his shell and is starting to talk to people who aren’t Youngmin nor Daehwi. Sometimes, Youngmin sees him walking to the library with someone else from his year—a nice boy named Hyungseob, he eerily resembles a bunny—and it makes him feel happy, even if he has to fake his reports to Woojin’s mother sometimes.

 

It’s not like she realizes the difference between the pictures that Youngmin takes of Woojin and the pictures that Woojin either takes himself, or has Hyungseob to do for him. The three of them are kind of like co-conspirators in a sense; co-conspirators in making sure Woojin’s mother stays happy even if Youngmin doesn’t stick around like the mother hen she’d expected him to be for her son.

 

(He was always more of a papa bear than a mother hen anyway.)

 

 

* * *

 

 

**II.**

 

 _"                                             I knew_  
_it was restless, nocturnal, demanding,_  
_and wouldn’t fit into my life. But I longed,_  
_nevertheless…"_

 

 

* * *

 

 

Parties usually aren’t Youngmin’s scene.

 

It’s not that he lacks the social awareness needed for them (contrary to slightly popular belief, though those rumours have died down once people started noticing his friendship with Daehwi, Woojin, and the occasional Hyungseob—they called him the ‘freshman collector’ for a while before they started realizing that was kind of fucking creepy), but it’s because Youngmin would rather spend the night completing the assignments he _knows_ are due either the next meeting or the meeting after that, but he still starts later on in the project anyway because apparently he’s Im Youngmin and he’s a sucker for death. Or pain. Whichever comes first.

 

Tonight’s a different occasion though, because it’s a _special_ occasion. It’s not everyday that your first friend on campus gets elected as the president of his frat, as odd as it might seem that Kim Jonghyun’s a member of a fraternity in the first place. Jonghyun’s one of those good guys that seem like they could step into any movie and instantly be its protagonist because he’s got a good head on his shoulder and the kind of morality usually found in future world leaders, not the leader of a pack of (somewhat subdued) frat boys.

 

Still, Youngmin knows the boys of the fraternity _adore_ Jonghyun, going as far as to slightly change their ways for him. The Jonghyun Effect (complete with a trademark and everything) is what they’ve been calling it, because—and this is what they say—whenever Jonghyun gets disappointed, it feels like they’ve managed to let down _Captain fucking America_. Youngmin sees the resemblance, kind of, because whenever Jonghyun’s disappointed he manages to make Youngmin feel like he’s ten again and he’s just done something that he wasn’t supposed to in the farm. He once shared that story to some of the frat boys, and they couldn’t relate.

 

That’s to be expected, considering none of their families own a tomato farm.

 

“Youngmin, I’m glad you could make it.” Jonghyun personally sees him at the door, and Youngmin doesn’t know if he’d ever expected anything else. The older of them (only by a few months, as Jonghyun is fond to remind him) is donned in a long-sleeved pink shirt that looks comfortable and fitted denim jeans. His hair is styled, and he’s smiling—pretty widely too, which is good, because this is supposed to be Jonghyun’s night.

 

“I know how much this means to you,” is what Youngmin offers in return. The both of them share a quick smile, and soon Jonghyun finds himself greeting another guest, leaving Youngmin alone after a quick apology. Youngmin waves off the apology, because Jonghyun’s _supposed_ to be greeting the guests anyway, and Youngmin’s sure he’s got some friends of his own at this party.

 

Friends that aren’t Daehwi nor Woojin, considering they’re freshmen and he’s pretty sure Jonghyun hadn’t invited any to the party. Dongho, who stands as bouncer in all of his intimidating glory (it’s only a cover though, anyone who’s someone knows he’s a softie at heart) is bound to keep any party crashers at bay.

 

His first order of business is to get some booze. While he isn’t the biggest drinker, he can hold his liquor well enough, and there won’t be any harm in a few drinks. The buzz would be pleasant and maybe it’d get Youngmin to loosen up enough to make some friends. That is, _if_ he manages to keep his drinking under control (easier said than done once the liquor really gets into his system) and avoids blacking out. Because if Youngmin blacks out, it means he wouldn’t remember any friends he’d made prior, and that’s not the angle he’s going for.

 

As tempting as it may be.

 

Thankfully, he’s able to find beer easily, even if beer isn’t exactly his preference. Youngmin’s more of a rice wine person, but he’ll take anything, so he gulps down the beer and controls his facial expression to avoid cringing at the stale, bitter taste.

 

(Nobody’s really paying attention to him, so even if he’d let his discomfort show, it’s not like he’s going to be the butt of the party. Everyone’s attention’s fixed onto Sanggyun who is currently doing a keg stand. Sanggyun’s doing a good job of not falling onto his own butt and embarrassing himself, and apparently it’s lasted more than ten seconds. Not bad.)

 

The party’s revving up now, more and more people arriving with every passing moment. Youngmin knows how much of a loser he looks like right now, quietly sipping a beer he isn’t even enjoying and not really having much company around him. The solution to this, of course, is even more drinks. Where else is he supposed to gather courage from? He’s similar to Woojin in this way, because the both of them have a tendency to be relatively reserved at first before being friendly with someone. That demeanor kind of changes when he’s trying to befriend someone who’s lonely (codeword for having even less friends than he does), in which he has the galls to be the talker instead of the one being talked to, but in this party, it seems like _he’s_ the odd one out.

 

Most of the people here? He might know their names, but he’s starting to regret not going out more back in his freshman year. Now they’ve got their own friends, and Youngmin’s… Youngmin. Not left behind, per se, but not exactly in the crowd either.

 

He’s in the tiny gray area in the middle, sometimes teetering over the line when his three freshmen friends are involved, but that’s all.

 

(His thoughts are starting to get sad and the party’s barely even started—time to get another drink.)

 

 

* * *

 

 

Two hours into the party and Youngmin’s already done his fair share of socializing (he thinks he’s made like, what, five new friends now? Daehwi would be proud), feeling the familiar buzz of the alcohol but still fairly in control, because he holds his liquor well and he doesn’t really enjoy much of the alcoholic beverages served to drink further. The drinks were a good distraction from his thoughts that were taking a rapid depressive turn, but now they’ve served their job, and Youngmin keeps a tight handle on his self control.

 

He knows when enough is enough and he still needs to walk across campus to get back home—so, no more drinks. Not tonight.

 

Youngmin’s having a grand time leaning against a wall as he watches the antics of the party unravel before his eyes (some interesting things are beginning to happen, like witnessing Jonghyun finally kiss Minhyun after several months of pining), only slightly wondering what he’d have done had he drunk as much as the rest of them. Probably nothing remarkably interesting, maybe he’d have puked in one of the bathrooms, and ended up falling asleep in the bathtub. Nothing remarkable enough to go on anyone’s Snapchat, just something to give him a bitch of a hangover when he wakes up.

 

Maybe he should go back now. It’s not like anyone’s going to call him out for leaving, and he’s already been there for two hours, so that should be enough, right?

 

(As he sees Jonghyun push Minhyun inside a bathroom and the resounding click that happens after Jonghyun locks the door, he decides that _yep_ , this is definitely enough. He doesn’t need to hear or imagine whatever’s happening after that, dear Lord.)

 

What happens after that is something that Youngmin will remember for the rest of his life as the beginning of something _fateful_ (or whatever wording there is that Daehwi would use from one of his Nicholas Sparks novels) in the years to come, but at the present moment, something that’s just plain fucking weird, because some guy he doesn’t know has just strolled up to him and promptly plants a big, sloppy kiss on his lips.

 

Stranger Danger (that’s what Youngmin’s going to call him, or SD for short) reeks of alcohol and bad life decisions, because giving _Im Youngmin_ out of all people a kiss _has got_ to be a terrible life decision, and Youngmin pushes him away just as any other person would do when a stranger suddenly tries to shove their tongue in your throat and just ends up colliding your teeth with his (painfully) in the process.

 

Drunken kisses aren’t his thing, neither are kisses shared with strangers, and negative plus negative equals negative. So, that wasn’t necessarily the best way to start an acquaintanceship or whatever it is the stranger had been hoping for with Im Youngmin.

 

“What the hell?” Youngmin splutters, looking as taken aback as he sounds. He’s sure SD hadn’t meant to cause any harm, because alcohol makes you do _really_ stupid things, so he tries not to sound too rude. A difficult task, considering he’d just had a kiss stolen by some drunk college student at a frat party.

 

( _Oh my God, I might’ve just kissed a frat boy._ The very thought sends shivers down Youngmin’s back in terror, because not to generalize all frat boys, but the only decent frat boy’s Youngmin’s ever talked to is Jonghyun.)

 

“Why did thou push me away, oh Romeo?” SD starts to lament in front of him, and Youngmin kind of wants to bury a hole and stay there for the duration of his party or maybe the rest of his life, because did he just get kissed by a stranger who thought Youngmin was _Romeo_? From Romeo and Juliet?

 

What kind of drunk nutcase could he possibly be dealing with?

 

“Listen, I’m not Romeo, I’m _Im Youngmin_ ,” he attempts to correct the other, inwardly relieved that the drunk stranger hasn’t tried to kiss Youngmin again. Instead, he looks lost now, head tilted slightly and eyes dazed in drunken confusion. “Maybe I look like someone you’re… acting with or whatever, but it’s _not me_ , got it?”

 

And, because Youngmin’s life is made of inopportune moments, that’s the exact moment that the guy chooses to pass out on him—eyes rolling backwards, body dropping unceremoniously to the ground before Youngmin even has the chance to react.

 

Thank goodness he chose a spot with a carpet as a place to pass out, because Youngmin doesn’t need ‘letting a guy fall to the cold hard ground’ weighing down on his already heavy conscience.

 

He can’t just go home like this, though. It wouldn’t be right to leave someone on the ground, even if it’s a padded floor because of the carpet, even if it’s the same someone who’d seriously weirded him out by kissing him and proceeding to act as if Youngmin’s playing Romeo in a warped version of Romeo and Juliet where the both of them are at an unglamorous college party. So, Youngmin awkwardly slings the guy’s arm across his shoulder, and rests an arm on his waist as he attempts to holster the drunk up.

 

It’s a tough job because the guy weighs heavier than he looks (which is odd because he seems to be more skin than bones, so maybe it’s lean muscle?), but he doesn’t receive any odd stares because everyone’s off in their own drunken worlds. Not for the first time tonight, Youngmin thanks the booze.

 

 _Why am I even doing this?_ Youngmin grimaces when he already feels the knots forming on his neck, and he knows he’s going to wake up all sore tomorrow because this is the closest thing he’s had to a workout in the span of thirteen months. _Oh, right. It’s because I have a ‘saving people thing’, whatever that is_. Daehwi, as a matter of fact, is the first person to point out said ‘saving people thing’ after he’d witnessed Youngmin give his packed lunch to a homeless man when the both of them had been strolling around Seoul. Daehwi said it because he knows that was the last food Youngmin’s got in his fridge, and Youngmin knows a ‘saving people thing’ is supposed to be positive, but right now, it’s just kind of… dumb. Heroic, but dumb.

 

The stranger’s given him more trouble than he’s worth, and yet, here is Youngmin, saving him from being a man floor at a party. He just hopes that when the stranger wakes up tomorrow, he’s not going to attempt to kiss Youngmin again or try to call him Romeo. Once was more than enough.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When the stranger wakes up, Youngmin’s already cooked breakfast for the both of them, a simple plate of sunny-side eggs and some rice on the side. Though Youngmin would usually save the eggs for a special occasion (and instead opting to have cereal for breakfast or something), he doesn’t want to seem rude, even if he’d already gone out of his way to bring the stranger back to his apartment after a completely unconventional first meeting.

 

He’d fix the stranger up some hangover soup if he actually had the ingredients. Alas, he doesn’t, so he can only hope the stranger likes his egg sunny-side up.

 

“Hey. Aspirin’s on the table.” Youngmin points at the assortment of pills, sending a smile that he hopes looks friendly at the stranger. The stranger returns it warily, and Youngmin feels a stab of relief, because at least he knows the stranger’s probably not the type to do the same things he’d done when he was drunk (possibly shitfaced?) last night.

 

“Thank you,” croaks the stranger, and Youngmin winces. Must be one hell of a hangover.

 

“I, uh, cooked you some breakfast. It’s not much, though.” The stranger looks at the plates Youngmin’s conveniently placed on the small dinner table, and his face lights up in the first genuine smile Youngmin’s seen from him. It’s… admittedly a nice sight.

 

“Thank you,” he repeats once more, voice still throaty, but in slightly better condition now that he’s gotten more used to speaking. “Did we, um…? I mean I don’t think we did because I woke up wearing the same thing as I did yesterday, but, um.”

 

The stranger’s ears are red, and Youngmin isn’t looking much better either. Still, Youngmin gathers the courage needed to wave the stranger off, shaking his head in a negative. “No, we didn’t. You passed out, though, so I decided to bring you back. Hope it wasn’t a creepy move or whatever.”

 

“It wasn’t,” assures the stranger, and Youngmin feels a wave of comfort. There’s this kind of calming aura that surrounds him, and that itself makes it even more mind-boggling that this is the same person who’d kissed him and proceeded to address him as Romeo less than twelve hours ago. “I’m Donghyun.”

 

Youngmin outstretches his hand. Donghyun takes it in his, and Youngmin has to note how firm his grip is. Must be the muscles, then, because his sore shoulders are a reminder of how much effort it’d taken to drag Donghyun back to his dorm.

 

“Im Youngmin.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

juliet (8:09): hey :)

juliet (8:09): thanks again for earlier

juliet (8:10): you didn't have to go through all that trouble for me

paca hyung (8:11): it was the right thing to do so don't sweat it

paca hyung (8:12): even if you were a little heavy like dude what's your workout plan??

juliet (8:13): out of all the things you could've said

juliet (8:13): amazing

paca hyung (8:14): what? you're like a bulky juliet

juliet (8:14): STOP DON'T BRING THAT UP EVER AGAIN

juliet (8:15): i take back everything I've said you're mean

juliet (8:15): don't talk to me

paca hyung (8:16): ok...

juliet (8:16): I DIDN'T MEAN IT LITERALLY!!!

 

 

* * *

 

 

Over the course of the weekend, Youngmin learns several things about Donghyun.

 

The first (and most) important thing is that Donghyun’s normally a quiet person; reserved, even, kind of like Youngmin but with more friends because he’s an ambivert, apparently. Point is, Donghyun is more on the quiet side, and after learning what he’d done to Youngmin during their first meeting, he’d turned beet red and couldn’t look at Youngmin in the eyes for an hour.

 

That piece of information Youngmin figured when the both of them were at Youngmin’s apartment, just before Donghyun leaves Youngmin to go home, but not before putting in his number into Youngmin’s phone. It’s platonic, though. A hundred and one percent completely platonic because Donghyun says he’s straight.

 

Youngmin doesn’t push it because he knows his boundaries.

 

They do start texting, though, and that’s how Youngmin gets to know his new friend. Or acquaintance. He’s not sure where Donghyun falls on the spectrum, but he’d like to think they’re friends. Hopefully it’s not one-sided thinking on his part, because that’d be awkward, and Youngmin’s already a lump of awkwardness that he doesn’t know how he’d fair when faced with that confrontation.

 

He has his own reasons as to why they might be friends, though, because they’ve been texting near-nonstop for the past two days and by this point, Youngmin knows what’s Donghyun’s hobby (writing lyrics and making songs), his hometown (Daejeon, a little surprising because Youngmin would’ve thought Donghyun was a Seoul boy), and the name of the cacti he keeps next to his window (Jack.)

 

In return, he’s shared some things about himself to Donghyun too, like how he was in a band just a few weeks ago until they figured out things wasn’t working out, to stories of how he used to help his parents out in their tomato farm back in Busan. Donghyun’s a good listener (through text, if that’s a thing, and Youngmin’s going to pretend that it is), always commenting during the right moments and staying silent otherwise.

 

Donghyun is nice, and Youngmin kind of likes being friends with him, even if so far their real life interaction consists of Youngmin helping Donghyun nurse his hangover after their disastrous first meeting. A little unconventional and maybe more than a little backwards, but it’s the company that matters.

 

As far as Youngmin’s concerned, Donghyun is wonderful company.

 

 

* * *

 

 

There’s a new movie playing in town. Something about aliens, because almost everything’s about aliens nowadays, and everyone on campus is talking about it because the lead actress is from South Korea. National pride and everything.

 

It doesn’t hurt that the movie has a rating of over 80% on Rotten Tomatoes, so that’s got to mean it’s a decent watch.

 

The first person he asks to accompany him is Woojin, partly because the both of them go way back but also because Youngmin’s seen Woojin’s wallpaper; it’s a candid of the actress, so Youngmin’s sure the kid was waiting to watch it, too.

 

Only, there’s one problem.

 

“Sorry, hyung. I’ve already promised Jihoon I was going to watch it with him.”

 

An odd expression crosses Youngmin’s face. “Wait, Daehwi’s friend Jihoon? Your Park family name twin Park Jihoon?”

 

Woojin nods, seemingly uneasy. “Yeah, with him. I’ve already planned this with him since last week.” That must mean they’ve been waiting for a while, because the movie only started playing yesterday.

 

“Okay then, I guess.” Woojin sags in relief, and Youngmin, protective older friend instincts kicking in, senses that something might be going on over here. “Are the two of you seeing each other or something? Because I thought you were with Hyungseob.”

 

“It’s not like that—”

 

“Sure it isn’t.”

 

“—okay fine, so maybe it’s a _little_ like that, but it’s not serious or anything. It’s just one date, and Jihoon… well, Jihoon’s cute.” Woojin shrugs weakly, as if that rectifies everything, but Youngmin frowns in an almost disapproving manner. To bystanders, this might seem like a scene out of a teenager movie, like a father scolding his son for sneaking out at night for a party. Except this kind of party is one with only two people, one of which Youngmin’s never actually spoken to before, so he thinks his worry is well placed.

 

Something in Woojin’s expression softens after he notices the way Youngmin’s brow twitches whenever he’s worried, and Youngmin’s not sure whether to be horrified or proud that Woojin knows him well enough to the point he can read his body language. “Hyung, I’m going to be fine. Just because you’re playing babysitter for me doesn’t mean I’m still a kid, okay? I can make my own decisions, and it’s just a date, it’s not like I’m going to drag Jihoon off to Vegas where we’ll wake up the next day with a marriage certificate.”

 

Youngmin certainly doesn’t need _that_ mental image.

 

After Woojin’s crossed out off the (very) short list of the people Youngmin could ask to go to the movies with, his next choice is Daehwi, obviously, but that plan’s also botched when Daehwi informs him that he’s out of town that week. Apparently, he’s in America to visit his mother, and he’ll be back in two weeks. Youngmin would ask ‘but what about your assignments’, but Daehwi is _Daehwi_ , who is scarily efficient and terrifyingly smart, so he retracts that after realizing that, as far as questions go, is a pretty stupid one.

 

In the end, after figuring out two of his favourite juniors (he’d call them youngsters but that’d make him sound way too old for his age) were unable to make it, he’d decided—after brief contemplation on his part—to ask Donghyun.

 

Brief contemplation because they’ve only known each other for less than a week, and despite the fact their Snapchat streak’s still going on until this day, Youngmin’s not sure if Donghyun would consider them as close enough friends to hang out with each other. It’s silly, because when he confesses this to Daehwi, all he gets is a text that says ‘ _lol you guys have a snapchat streak for over five days isn’t that a sign of friendship??_ ’ which Youngmin leaves on read because Daehwi’s got a good point and yet, Youngmin still worries.

 

(He knows he should really stop worrying over the most trivial things, but Youngmin can’t help it. He’s a natural worrier and all the stress and anxiety piling up doesn’t exactly help.)

 

paca hyung (11:13): are you free tomorrow?

juliet (11:13): hello to you too hyung

paca hyung (11:14): …

paca hyung (11:14): hi donghyun

paca hyung (11:14): are you free tomorrow? (2)

juliet (11:15): i am!!! why do you ask?

paca hyung (11:16): do you want to watch a movie w/ me?

paca hyung (11:16): ‘the alien way’

paca hyung (11:17): i think that’s what it’s called

juliet (11:17): ok! i’ve been meaning to watch it anyway

juliet (11:18): meet you at the cinema tomorrow? what time?

 

(Youngmin checks the time of the screenings on his laptop. His eyes squint as they adjust to the brightness, but he sees well enough, considering he’s wearing his glasses right now. Those are more comfortable than the contact lenses he usually wears.)

 

paca hyung (11:20): around 2pm?

juliet (11:20): call!!! i’ll see you tomorrow, hyung!!

 

Well. That wasn’t as big of a disaster as he’d imagined it’d be. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

Whatever it is he’d been expecting Donghyun to say to him, it definitely isn’t what he does end up saying, which is an unimpressed, “Do you have a thing for layered shirts, hyung?”

 

Youngmin feels the tips of his ears burn. He remembers vaguely, though the moment’s more than a little shaky by now (he’s never been the one to have the strongest memory) wearing a layered shirt the first morning he met Donghyun. Sober Donghyun anyway. It’s not the same shirts as he’s wearing now though, and maybe the difference of the shade isn’t anything overly life-changing, but the colours are different enough to make it evident that Youngmin spices things up using a variety of colours.

 

(“These are all shades of red. Or white, I didn’t even think that was possible,” Daehwi once said, giving his wardrobe a scrutinizing look that made Youngmin feel as if his clothes were being inspected by a literal fashion police. And he might’ve gotten on the wrong side of said police officer. “How do you even call this a _variety_?”

 

He might’ve looked properly chastised after that, and Woojin’s sniggers were pointedly ignored.)

  

“It’s my style,” he defends, almost weakly.

 

Donghyun chuckles. Idly, Youngmin notices he doesn’t look half bad even though he’s donned in a simple striped shirt and plain black pants. “Don’t worry, I didn’t mean it negatively or anything. I was just making an observation, so don’t take it the wrong way, hyung. There’s nothing wrong with layered shirts.”

 

“Sorry,” Youngmin offers, and Donghyun shrugs.

 

“It’s cool. Where are we sitting, by the way?”

 

Oh, right. Tickets. Youngmin fishes the two pieces of paper out from his pocket, and hands them over to an expectant Donghyun. It’s a good thing Youngmin knows a guy who works at the cinema, and therefore, was able to reserve tickets through him. Maybe not the _fairest_ move, but Youngmin pays for the tickets (well, he _will_ pay for them when he meets the guy in class later). It’s not like there’s a law stating this isn’t allowed or anything, so Youngmin’s not too bothered by using up his favors and connections.

 

(Connections. Way to make himself sound like a social butterfly when Youngmin knowing the right guy’s just the result of plain luck.)

 

Donghyun does a low whistle. It sounds pleasant, but then again, Donghyun’s voice is nice to listen to in general. Kind of makes Youngmin look back to the days of the band and what could’ve been, because although Donghyun is no Daehwi, Donghyun is _Donghyun_. Everyone’s got different strengths and Youngmin wishes he knows how Donghyun sounds like when he’s singing. Maybe if they’d met earlier, Youngmin would’ve asked Donghyun to join the band, and things could’ve worked out.

 

Or, an alternative result: things would’ve stayed the same even with the addition of one, because that’s just the way life works. Some things work, other things don’t. A successful life’s only the result of trial and error, though a pinch of luck wouldn’t hurt. (That’s exactly why Youngmin hopes he’s got at least _some_ luck on his side; it’d be nice to actually achieve his dream and make sure the past few years haven’t been a total waste.)

 

“You got us some pretty nice seats.” Donghyun passes the tickets back to him. “Hey, let’s go grab some popcorn. My treat. Do you prefer butter or caramel?”

 

“Butter.”

 

“What are the odds, me too. I’ll buy a bucket for us to share, then. Unless you hog the popcorn.  _Do_ you hug the popcorn, though?" Donghyun's brows are knitted together because he's asking a Very Serious question right now, his lips twisted into what Donghyun might think to be a frown, but ends up looking more like a pout. Not for the first time, Youngmin thinks he might be one of the cutest people he's ever met. (Fine, there's not really a lot to choose from, but it's the thought that counts.)

 

"I don't think so?"

 

"Huh." Donghyun hums. "I'll hold you to that."

 

 

* * *

 

 

The bucket of popcorn is wedged between the both of them, Youngmin having gotten an idea to place it on their shared armrest. It’s not the most comfortable position, but at least neither of them get to hog the popcorn, and Donghyun seems to care more about sharing the food equally rather than his own comfort while watching a movie that’s nearly three hours long.

 

(Youngmin checks the duration of a movie before he watches them—it’s comforting, and he can estimate when he’ll eventually have to get back home and return to the mundane life of composing and surviving off shitty coffee.)

 

Donghyun makes for a nice movie watching companion. He doesn’t talk much, instead choosing to focus his attention on the screen. He doesn’t ask for spoilers or anything, doesn’t even check his phone. In one occasion, Youngmin feels the buzz of Donghyun’s phone’s vibration, but the other doesn’t bother to lift it from his lap (it’s face-down.)

 

That’s kind of nice, if a little worrying because what if it was something important someone was trying to tell Donghyun? Though he brushes off the worry when he reminds himself that it’s Donghyun’s problems, not his, and he has enough of his own worries to worry about.

 

Point is, Donghyun makes for a nice movie watching companion, and Youngmin thinks he might want to do this again sometimes. It’s like a breath of fresh air when he compares it to watching movies with Woojin, who’s usually talking miles and miles per hour, and Daehwi, who has a much different taste in movies than Youngmin. Daehwi checks his phone throughout Youngmin’s choices just as Youngmin sleeps through Daehwi’s movie selection, so it’s fair game and there’s no malice behind it whatsoever.

 

So, yeah. This is kind of nice.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It becomes a regular occurrence, and Youngmin’s not sure when him and Donghyun started becoming comfortable enough to drop by each other’s places unannounced (it helps that they apparently live in the same building, only on different floors and that makes visiting so much easier) but it _does_ start three weeks or so after their initial meeting. The both of them become fast friends, and Donghyun makes Youngmin feel comfortable in a way that neither Daehwi nor Woojin have been able to. Being with Donghyun makes Youngmin feel like he’s back in Busan, and that’s _weird_ because Donghyun’s _satoori_ is a poor imitation of Youngmin’s and he’s never been out of Daejeon nor Seoul, but there’s just _something_ about Donghyun that makes Youngmin feels like he’s home.

 

That’s in a totally platonic way, of course. Youngmin might be openly bi and has dated his fair share of both guys _and_ girls, but as far as he knows, Donghyun’s completely, inexplicably hetero. Apparently it’s because Donghyun’s been conditioned since he was a kid that a guy was only supposed to be with a girl, having a religious family and everything, and by the time people would start trying to experiment with their sexuality or something, Donghyun’s mind was already made up.

 

He doesn’t judge Youngmin, though. Youngmin’s confided this to Donghyun during the beginning of their friendship, on the same morning that Donghyun woke up on Youngmin’s bed (Youngmin had taken the couch and it wasn’t nearly as uncomfortable as Woojin makes it out to be) and had to explain the awkward chain of events the previous night—and in the end, instead of turning him away and sprinting out of Youngmin’s room as soon as Donghyun learns of Youngmin’s sexuality, the guy just nods and keeps a smile on his face, still.

 

(“I’d like to pride myself for being pretty open minded. In accepting other people’s preferences, I mean. It’s the twenty first century, right?”

 

And, well, Youngmin kind of decided right then and there that Donghyun was a good person.)

 

Tonight, the both of them are sprawled on Donghyun’s couch, the television showing their movie selection, Prisoner of Azkaban. Donghyun’s watched this at least a million times (or so he says), but this is Youngmin’s first time watching. They’ve been here for hours now, going through the Harry Potter movies because apparently Youngmin’s lack of Harry Potter experience is a sad, _sad_ story that needs to be amended immediately.

 

Youngmin goes with it, even if he didn’t see the hype (that’s starting to change, but don’t let Donghyun know that or he’ll never live it down) because it was Donghyun’s idea. That’s as good of a reasoning as any, right?

 

“I’m getting sleepy,” Youngmin admits when they’re halfway done with the movie. Still, there are five more to go, but the clock’s already showing that it’s past midnight and Youngmin’s eyelids are getting too heavy.

 

“Weak,” teases Donghyun, though judging by the heaviness of his voice, Youngmin deduces that he’s stifling a yawn. (A few moments later, he’s proven correct.)

 

“We could continue this tomorrow, you know,” Youngmin begins. He looks at Donghyun who’s nodding off already, and his eyes soften. “It’s a weekend. We don’t have to finish all of this in one go.”

 

Donghyun doesn’t say anything afterwards, only making a small grunt that Youngmin’s not sure whether that’s agreement or denial. He doesn’t dwell on it though, because the movie’s getting to the good part, and Youngmin doesn’t want to miss it.

 

(Spoiler alert: he doesn’t miss that scene, but he misses the scene after that. He’s unable to fend off his need for sleep anymore, so he dozes off. Youngmin doesn’t notice that Donghyun’s already asleep even before him, breathing controlled and perfectly even.)

 

They wake up the next morning, limbs tangled and Youngmin feels a crick in his neck because Donghyun had used it as a convenient place to lean on sometime during his sleep. It’s kind of worth it though, because Donghyun looks so peaceful and content when he’s sleeping that even Youngmin, whose neck is seriously beginning to ache (nothing mortally dangerous, only the kind of soreness that’ll go away if he looks up acupuncture points later) doesn’t dare to move a muscle.

 

When Donghyun finally wakes up, Youngmin doesn’t miss the way Donghyun tenses, as if he’d just realized he’d done something that might not have been the ‘straightest’ thing to do. (Which is kind of bullshit, because it’s not like they’d kissed or anything, it was just cuddling. There’s nothing wrong with bros cuddling, really.)

 

“Good morning, sunshine.” Youngmin cracks a grin. It’s one that Donghyun returns weakly.

 

They don’t talk about it.

 

 

* * *

 

 

fashionista (18:00): HYUNG WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME YOU MADE A NEW FRIEND D:

fashionista (18:01): i can’t believe i heard about this from samuel

fashionista (18:01): I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS DD:

paca hyung (18:02): um

paca hyung (18:02): what

fashionista (18:03): don’t what me >:(

fashionista (18:03): i’m talking about you and donghyun hyung??? (duh???)

paca hyung (18:04): oh donghyunnie

fashionista (18:04): YOU GUYS HAVE PETNAMES?

paca hyung (18:05): daehwi chill it’s the same way i call woojin woojinie

paca hyung (18:05): wait i also call him by kid a lot too idk

fashionista (18:06): ugh wait

_fashionista has added won stealer to this chat_

won stealer (18:07): what up my dudes

fashionista (18:08): youngmin hyung has a new friend!!! and he didn’t tell us!!!

won stealer (18:09): uhhh way to go for making a new friend youngmin hyung?

fashionista (18:09): why

won stealer (18:09): why not

fashionista (18:10): ANYWAYS

fashionista (18:10): i want to meet your new friend!!! hyung, introduce us!

won stealer (18:11): why am i included

fashionista (18:12): OH I KNOW how about you take him to our karaoke bar! it’ll be fun!

paca hyung (18:13): pretty sure i don’t have much of a choice daehwi you’re a man on a mission aren’t you

fashionista (18:14): indeed >:)

won stealer (18:15): can someone please explain to me what’s going on

fashionista (18:16): it’s me wondering what jihoon and hyungseob see in you

 

 

* * *

 

 

When the band was still a thing, aside from the coffee shop, Youngmin still remembers the three of them hanging out in a karaoke place located right next to a hole in the wall chicken wings restaurant. It’d been a weekly ritual of theirs, usually every Friday because they need some time to unwind and what better way to do it than indulge in some silly singing (or in Youngmin and Woojin’s case, rapping or doing a weird, offkey thing that they can’t even call singing) together?

 

“I’ve never been to this area of town before.” Donghyun’s looking around the alleys in awe, taking in the sight of the brick red washed buildings all cramped together, little signs hanging off some places, some of them fluorescent. Some of the kids call this the ‘edgier’ part of the city that surrounds the campus, the kind of place that the artsy students with the tortured souls would find solace in some of the cafés scattered around. The cafés in question offer a decent view, decent coffee, and decent company. Youngmin would know, considering he’s gone to every single one of them during exams rush.

 

“You’re a sophomore. I’m sure there are lots of things you still don’t know,” Youngmin teases Donghyun, all bark and no bite. Donghyun scoffs in return, but the good natured grin is still on his lips and his eyes are still sparkling with unrestrained mirth.

 

(Here, Youngmin wishes he had a polaroid, because that’s a pretty sight and he wants to take a picture of it—of Donghyun smiling and looking like everything’s alright in the world even if everything _isn’t_ —because this moment is something he wants to remember for a long, long time.)

 

“Yeah? Like what?” Donghyun challenges, raising a brow at Youngmin expectantly.

 

“Like the fact that you feel a lot like home,” is what Youngmin wants to say, but Donghyun might think Youngmin’s hitting on him, and Youngmin definitely _isn’t_. Donghyun’s just a friend. A really, really nice friend that Youngmin’s nowhere short of adoring, but that’s it. A friend. A bro, if he must call him that. So, instead of blurting that out and unintentionally starting either a rift or a heart to heart, Youngmin shrugs. “Like, _things_.”

 

“Very helpful,” Donghyun deadpans.

 

“We’re here!” Youngmin willfully ignores how unimpressed Donghyun is by his lackadaisical answer, instead holding the door to the karaoke open for him. The cool breeze from inside is alluring, considering they’d walked all the way there and it feels like it’s a hundred degrees or something, and the karaoke place also smells like popcorn, soda, beer, and whatever snacks karaoke places usually serve. (It’s been a while, okay? Youngmin’s memory is, he repeats, not the best.)

 

Woojin and Daehwi are supposed to be there already, so Youngmin leads Donghyun to his usual room (it’s practically designated by now), and even when the both of them are right outside the door, they can already hear noises coming from inside, meaning Youngmin recognizes Woojin’s attempt at a high note and Daehwi’s uncontrolled laughter.

 

“Yup, those are my friends,” Youngmin mutters under his breath.

 

“They sound lively,” Donghyun comments off-handedly. His hand’s on the doorknob, but he’s waiting for Youngmin’s ‘okay’ to open it, and that’s probably made it onto Youngmin’s list of the most thoughtful things anyone’s ever done for him.

 

“You have no idea.” Youngmin shakes his head, a fond grin on his lips. “Time to join the fray, buddy.”

 

“ _No,_ not the fray. Anything but the fray.” Donghyun puts his free hand over his chest, face morphed into what looks like a face someone would be wearing had Youngmin just insulted their mother.

 

“Just open the door, Donghyun.” Youngmin’s exasperation is evident, but his gaze remains warm. There might be something other than simple camaraderie hidden beneath its brown hues, but if there is, neither of them notice.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Three things. There are three things Youngmin finds out about during the group’s karaoke slash meet Youngmin’s new (and possibly only when he discounts Woojin and Daehwi) friend, which are:

 

First, Daehwi is an expert at embarrassing Youngmin. This is the most painful one, because apparently Daehwi knows about _all_ of Youngmin’s embarrassing stories (probably got some of them from Woojin, if the guilty look in Woojin’s face is any indication) and he isn’t afraid to share one or two to lighten the mood at Youngmin’s expense. At one point, Daehwi told Donghyun about the time Youngmin accidentally sent a sext to his uncle instead of his boyfriend-now-ex (who coincidentally had the same name of his uncle, which, now that he thinks about it, is pretty fucking weird) and Youngmin has absolutely _no_ idea where Daehwi got that story from because he’s pretty sure Woojin hadn’t been present at the time that catastrophe blew up full scale.

 

Daehwi is terrifying, and Youngmin (slightly, somewhat, very lowkey-ly) fears him. Hell, if Daehwi puts his mind to it, Youngmin’s pretty sure the kid could rule the world over a weekend.

 

The second thing, and this is much less terrifying than the first but also much more interesting, is figuring out that Woojin is in some kind of love triangle between Jihoon and Hyungseob. Being the supportive older brother figure he is, the first thing Youngmin said after finding out that Woojin was torn between the two boys had been, “Wow? _You_ of all people?” and that’d granted a round of laughter from Daehwi, a pout from Woojin, and a light slap on his shoulder from Donghyun.

 

“He has love problems, Youngmin, this isn’t really the time for comments like that,” Donghyun had chastised, and Youngmin shut up afterwards. Woojin seemed smug, at least, until Donghyun spoke again. “Doesn’t mean I’m completely disagreeing with what Youngmin said, though. I mean, _Park Jihoon_? Really?”

 

Woojin’s situation is messy, because Jihoon likes Woojin, but Hyungseob also likes Woojin (maybe has been liking him for a while now, Youngmin’s not oblivious to the lovesick stares Woojin receives from Hyungseob whenever the three of them hang out). Woojin likes _both_ of them, and is now camping out in Daehwi’s house so that he can avoid his problem. Daehwi has his own _house_ a few minutes away from campus, and it’s secluded (but not horror movie secluded) enough to ensure Woojin won’t be running into Jihoon nor Hyungseob whenever he goes on his 3 A.M. mini market runs.

 

To express his grievance, Woojin had sung not only one, but four ballad songs. _Solo_.

 

(“Daehwi, I’m _desperate_. Don’t you have anything like my situation in one of your novels? I’ll take any advice, even if it’s from a dude who’s got ‘Sparks’ as his surname.”

 

“Maybe, but I don’t think any of the leads were as hopeless as you. Can’t help you there, sorry.”)

 

Last but not least, and this is what Youngmin places last because he likes saving the best for last, is that he’s now heard Donghyun sing—and his singing voice is even better than his talking, humming, or sleep singing voice. (The last one is a thing, Youngmin can confirm.)

 

Donghyun’s chosen song is something titled ‘Hongdae Geondae’, a song that Youngmin’s listened to a couple of times before, but not necessarily on his music library. Still, Donghyun obviously likes the song, if the wide grin he wears as he sings the song is any indication.

 

That’s not really the most memorable thing though, cute as it is. No, what’s memorable is that Donghyun has a really, _really_ nice voice, and it’s not just the vocal colour. The technique’s there too, and while he might not be as trained as Daehwi, who’s had vocal lessons nearly all his life, the talent is _there_. With a little bit more polishing, he could improve even more, and Youngmin knows that if anyone has boatloads of potential, it’s Kim Donghyun.

 

“Nice voice you’ve got there,” Daehwi compliments, meaning it sincerely.

 

“Thanks.” Donghyun’s smile is bashful, as if he’s not used to having people complimenting his voice, which is stupid. With a voice like that, the only thing he should be receiving is compliments.

 

“You know, we had a band once,” Woojin says, sounding casual even if he’d dropped a sudden bomb in the conversation. (Okay, maybe it’s just a bomb for Youngmin, who still feels guilty sometimes thinking of the would’ve, could’ve, should’ve for their little team. Daehwi and Woojin have probably gotten over it by now.)

 

Donghyun’s heard about the band, of course, because Youngmin’s told him nearly everything about his life story just as Donghyun’s told Youngmin is, but he still looks interested, perking up in his seat.

 

“I’ve heard, yeah.” Donghyun shoots a glance at Youngmin from the corner of his eyes. “Kind of a shame you guys aren’t together anymore. I’m sure you could’ve made great music.”

 

He doesn’t like the glint in Daehwi’s eyes. Not at all, because when Daehwi looks like he’s just gotten an idea, a majority of the time, the ideas are either pure genius or a recipe for disaster. “You know, we could always revive the band,” Daehwi tosses up conversationally, as if he was talking about the weather instead of bringing back the band. “Not everything succeeds on the first try.” Here, he pointedly looks at Youngmin, who’s suddenly finding the floor a very interesting subject.

 

“That doesn’t sound like a bad idea,” Woojin agrees, which shouldn’t be surprising at all because this is Woojin and he’s unlikely to give up on an idea even if it’s failed before. Or maybe Youngmin’s just being a total cynic about all this and needs to lighten up. “It wouldn’t hurt to try again.” And, again, another look is pointed Youngmin’s way.

 

Donghyun stifles his laughter into his palm. He probably enjoys seeing Youngmin looking so lost, and Youngmin hates him. (Not really.)

 

“I…” He raises his previously bowed head slowly, meeting the hopeful eyes of Daehwi and Woojin’s prompting ones. They’re expecting him to say ‘yes’, and then they’ll reconcile (as if they haven’t already, but this meaning they’ll start being a band again as if nothing ever happened), and maybe they’ll crash again and eventually the cycle will start all over again. Youngmin doesn’t know what to do. It’s not exactly a life or death situation or anything, but he still feels the burden of being their leader, because this means whatever he says _now_ will have a domino effect for anything else that happens afterwards.

 

If he says yes, this means he’s giving _them_ another shot. Maybe this time around they’ll work out and this whole band thing will pay off as well as it was originally planned to, but that has an equal chance of happening as things ending up the same way they did before. That means an extra week of awkward silences and half-hearted waves when they pass each other in the halls, coupled with the same guilt Youngmin feels whenever he thinks about the band.

 

On the other hand, if he says no, it might mean he’s trying to protect them from the possible negative damage—yet at the same time, it also indicates that he’s not willing to give them a second chance. The analogies make the band breakup seem more like a relationship breakup, though, and Youngmin isn’t that shocked because hadn’t he used a relationship analogy when breaking up the band the first time?

 

(Wait, wrong call. That was Daehwi.)

 

So, Youngmin gets an idea. It’s not crazy, not _entirely_ , and he’s not sure how Donghyun will react to it. He’s got his fingers crossed that Donghyun will take it in stride and there won’t be any bitterness or resentment whatsoever, because whether this idea will work or not really depends on Donghyun, who’s still blissfully unaware of the plan that’s just finished formulating in Youngmin’s head.

 

“Let’s revive the band—” Amidst the cheers and high-fives, Youngmin clears his throat, and the two youngest quiet down once more, although their excitement is blatantly shown, “—but only if Donghyun joins us too. He plays bass and I’m sure having something new won’t hurt.” He tries to pass his words off as nonchalant, but Daehwi and Woojin share a look (that he can’t quite decipher and that’s a first) and Donghyun’s gaping at him like Youngmin’s grown two heads.

 

Not a good sign. Yellow light? Red light?

 

“It’s not called a revival for nothing, right?” Youngmin tries. Donghyun is… still gaping. “There’s got to be something different. Some new element,” he finishes, starting off confident but in the end of his tirade, only sounds small and more than a little unsure. “Like what DC did with the revival comics?”

 

(He really shouldn’t have said that. Youngmin’s the only one amongst the four of them who bothers to read the comics. The others stick to the cinematic universe, so not only was his reference essentially useless, now he’s going to get comments of ‘you’re still reading comics?’ from Woojin for at least a week. Nice going, Youngmin.)

 

“I have no idea what you just said,” Daehwi says bluntly, and Youngmin visibly deflates. “ _But_.” At this, Youngmin perks up, head rushing back to glance upwards from its previous floor-appreciating angle. “I wouldn’t mind having Donghyun hyung in our band.”

 

Daehwi smiles at Donghyun, the same kind of smile he gives when he’s trying to make people feel comfortable. It works because it’s Daehwi and his smiles are as warm as tiny, little harmless suns. Youngmin doesn’t really know how warm said tiny suns _are_ , of course, but he thinks he’s made a good estimation.

 

“It’d be cool to have you in our band,” Woojin adds helpfully, glancing at Donghyun with evident hope in his eyes. When Woojin turns on _those_ eyes, the likehood of Donghyun accepting their offer has gone up by at least fifty percent.

 

“I don’t know, guys,” Donghyun tries, sounding unsure. His hands grip the surface of the couch, and Youngmin knows Donghyun’s got a tight grip—he’s sure there’ll be nail marks left, but nothing that a few minutes won’t erase. “I wouldn’t want to ruin your chemistry and all.”

 

Youngmin places a comforting hand on Donghyun’s shoulder. Donghyun doesn’t flinch away, he simply stays put, so Youngmin takes that as a good sign. “You wouldn’t be ruining anything,” he assures. “There wouldn’t be any harm in giving it a shot.”

 

Now, Donghyun’s faced with more than just Woojin’s puppy eyes and Daehwi’s surging hopefulness, because Youngmin’s there and he’s trying to lure Donghyun into the premise of being in the band while trying not to sound forceful or whatever. Having Donghyun in the band would be the deciding factor to whether or not Youngmin’s willing to try again (because as much as he likes Daehwi and Woojin, he thinks having a new variable would make the likehood of things turning out differently much higher), but at the same time, he’s not completely sure if Donghyun would be comfortable making music with two people he’s only known for less than three hours and Youngmin himself.

 

“You’re hard to refuse, you know that?” Donghyun chides, and Youngmin feels his worries dissolve, something not completely unlike relief settling in his chest.

 

Maybe this could work after all.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

**III.**

 

_"I am pleasantly located in the deep sea, but love will row you out, if her hands are strong, and don’t wait till I land, for I’m going ashore on the other side."_

 

 

* * *

 

 

**A Comprehensive List of Im Youngmin’s Problems, In No Particular Order:**

  1. His professor hates him.
  2. He hasn’t started on the 5K essay due tonight.
  3. The last time he’d eaten something _not_ instant was two weeks ago.
  4. Woojin’s still stuck in his love triangle. That means Youngmin’s still stuck listening to Woojin’s problems and not knowing how to help him solve them.
  5. Hyungseob is mad at Woojin. It becomes Youngmin’s problem because of the same reason as his fourth problem.
  6. Donghyun is an amazing person. This would not be a problem if Youngmin wasn’t an idiot and hadn’t gotten himself in love with the heterosexual bassist of his band. Now he has to worry about making sure Donghyun doesn’t find out about Youngmin’s feelings because it might ruin the band that is currently in its fragile state.
  7. It might also ruin his friendship with Donghyun. This might be the biggest problem because Youngmin doesn’t want to lose Donghyun. Not now, not ever.



 

The band isn’t an immediate problem. They’re getting on their feet, and they’ve actually started making songs now. Daehwi composes for them, and they all work on the lyrics together. Their first gig is in two weeks, on Friday at Kang Daniel’s birthday party.

 

It’s a Big Deal (along with the capitalization and all) because Kang Daniel night be the biggest guy on campus right now for being the music department’s resident celebrity. He isn’t an idol, but he’s got a popular YouTube channel, and everyone knows he’s bound to be somebody as soon as he graduates. Daehwi knows Daniel through Samuel who’s friends with Seonho who’s friends with Guanlin who’s friends with Yongguk who’s friends with Daniel. Apparently, Daniel has a thing for ‘undiscovered talent’, and thinks it’d be a great idea for Brand New (that’s what they’re calling themselves) to perform at his birthday party. Daehwi accepted on the behalf of the band, and now they’ve got a week and a half to prepare.

 

They’re trying to make sure it won’t be a mess.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Youngmin meets Jihoon on a rainy Monday afternoon.

 

He only has morning classes on Monday (which is exactly the reason why he hates Mondays with a passion) and the band’s practice starts after nightfall, because Donghyun’s classes start late and Daehwi usually makes a home out of the library to study starting from 3PM onwards. Woojin’s hours are flexible, which is a code for he doesn’t really have much to do so he can start band practice any time. The good thing about Woojin is he also shares nearly the same class hours as Youngmin, so they walk together, sometimes. (They’d stopped doing that for a while after the band’s first breakup, but now they’ve gotten back to the habit of it, because Daehwi insists that team bonding is a vital part of becoming a successful band. Youngmin obeys Daehwi’s orders because Daehwi is terrifying when he needs to be. Woojin shares his sentiments.)

 

Right after his class ends, Youngmin meets Woojin in front of Woojin’s class, because Woojin’s ends ten minutes after his. He checks on his phone as he waits, scrolling through his Instagram feed and liking a few pictures as he does. One of those pictures is Donghyun’s most recent post, a picture of Donghyun posing in front of the café Youngmin frequents. Youngmin had taken the photo, and he remembers having a hard time focusing on getting his hands to _not_ shake instead of staring (too long) at the carefree curl of Donghyun’s grin.

 

It’d been a difficult task, to say the least.

 

Woojin always ends up leaving his class at the end, so when a flurry of freshmen rush outside the classroom and Youngmin doesn’t see Woojin immediately, he doesn’t make much of it. Apparently, Woojin enjoys _not_ having to be squeezed through a crowd of students enthusiastic to leave, so he likes to stay behind for a few minutes, packing his bags with slow, relaxed movements and listening to music while he’s at it. Youngmin can’t say he doesn’t relate, because he’s the one who’d inspired Woojin to do that in the first place.

 

It’s only when the students stop stumbling out of the room and there’s still no sign of Woojin that Youngmin starts to worry. Woojin is not difficult to spot because he’s the only one with red hair in his year, so Youngmin couldn’t have missed him.

 

His worries halt when he hears the familiar noise of Woojin’s laughter from inside the room, so he cancels out his previous plan of calling Woojin’s friends. Instead, he peers inside the classroom, noting that only the professor and two students are left inside the cream-shaded room. One of those students is Woojin, who doesn’t have his earphones on and is currently laughing at something his friend’s saying.

 

(Said friend turns out to be Park Jihoon. It takes Youngmin a few tries to place him, but soon enough, he remembers the face that his yearmates had been talking about in the beginning of the school year. A conventional pretty boy who is also a walking fashion disaster had been the way they’d described him. Youngmin now sees why they call him that, because this is the first time he’s seen someone wear neon green stripes on a pink shirt.)

 

“You should’ve seen the look on his face,” Jihoon is saying, hands waved up in the air in animated motion, “it was the first time I’ve seen him look so distraught. I felt pretty bad. I was only joking around, but he took it so seriously.”

 

“And whose fault is that?” Woojin’s grin is nearly shark-like, but Youngmin attests that’s because his snaggletooth is showing.

 

“Mine,” finishes Jihoon on a glum note, but he perks up as soon as Woojin extends his right hand forward, index finger poking Jihoon’s cheek in a fond manner. Youngmin suddenly feels like he’s intruding a private moment (also, he didn’t even know Woojin had it in him and he’s pseudo proud but also confused because he thought Woojin was still in that love triangle?) but it’s too late to turn back because Woojin soon spots him. If Woojin is surprised or disturbed, he doesn’t show it.

 

“There will be no canoodling in my classroom,” the professor reminds them from his seat, and Jihoon goes beet red. Woojin’s blushing too, but to a lesser extent.

 

“Youngmin hyung!” Woojin says instead of acknowledging his professor’s warning. Might not be the best move, considering the stink eye the professor gives Woojin afterwards. “Let’s go grab some lunch. Jihoon can come, right?”

 

“Uh, sure. Why not.” Jihoon’s face loses some of its previous embarrassment and instead it brightens up, as if Youngmin’s just complimented him though the reality is that Youngmin’s only given him the green light to eat with him and Woojin. It doesn’t take Youngmin long to discover that Jihoon’s a particularly animated person because of it—a little easy to read, too, and that goes against what Daehwi had said about Park Jihoon being ‘a manipulative bastard when he wants to be.’

 

Finding a place to eat is easier said than done because it’s raining and Youngmin doesn’t carry an umbrella with him. Neither does Woojin and Jihoon, judging by the slightly panicked expression on Woojin’s face and the frown that Jihoon wears.

 

“I’d say we make a run for it, but I don’t think that’s the best idea,” Youngmin says. His eyes scan through the droplets of rain, trying to make sense of the quickest route they could use to get to the campus cafeteria.

 

“Why don’t we order an Uber?” Jihoon suggests, much to Youngmin’s silent horror, because that means they’d have to pay extra and Youngmin’s already barely getting by with what he has. And he _walks_ around campus.

 

Woojin notices Youngmin’s distress, evidently, because he purses his lips and shakes his head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. The cafeteria’s not that far from here, it’d be a waste.”

 

“If you say so.” Jihoon shrugs, pocketing the phone he was readily holding a few seconds ago.

 

Then, the unthinkable happens. (By unthinkable, Youngmin means it’s a sign that the world must hate him, because now he feels like he’s stuck in a scene that comes straight out of a teen drama from the early 90s.)

 

“Woojinie, is that you?”

 

Youngmin recognizes the voice immediately, of course. It’s Ahn Hyungseob, one of Woojin’s earliest friends in campus. By extension, he’s Youngmin’s friend too, though the both of them haven’t spoken since they don’t actively seek each other—different crowds and everything. In any other occasion, Youngmin would be glad that Hyungseob’s around, because while they aren’t the closest friends, Hyungseob is a ball of sunshine and is generally a good influence on Woojin who’s more of a realist than anything. However, the whole ‘love triangle’ thing is still going on, and Hyungseob has just stumbled on Woojin and Jihoon together. Youngmin’s there too, of course, but he’s going to be the fourth wheel in this situation. Probably.

 

This is an impending mess, and Youngmin kind of wants to dash across campus and leave the three of them alone. The only reason he stays is because Woojin sends Youngmin a pleading look that’s downright pitiful, but the kid needs his moral support and if Woojin’s going to lament to him about this later, it’ll probably be easier on the both of them if Youngmin sticks around and sees the situation unfold himself.

 

So, Youngmin stays, albeit with much reluctance on his part.

 

“Hi, Hyungseob,” Woojin greets the other with an awkward smile on his part. It looks tense, but then again, Youngmin would probably be worse if he was in Woojin’s position. Good thing Youngmin’s never been stuck in a love triangle, and right now, his love life resembles a tragedy of something that ended before it ever even started. (With Donghyun, nothing’s ever going to start, he’s sure. Youngmin’s just being realistic about all this.)

 

“Oh. Jihoon too.” Hyungseob visibly deflates at the sight of Jihoon and Woojin together, and the image is even worse because Jihoon’s leaning on Woojin maybe a little heavier than needed. Obviously, Jihoon’s not very pleased about all this, and Woojin looks plainly uncomfortable. “Youngmin hyung, you’re here too!” Hyungseob fakes his enthusiasm with an exaggerated wave directed towards Youngmin. He returns the wave with a small smile, nodding to acknowledge Hyungseob’s presence.

 

“I didn’t know you had classes today,” Woojin mumbles, looking at anywhere but Hyungseob.

 

It’s been a while since the both of them really talked, or at least, that’s what Woojin’s told him. Ever since Woojin stopped hiding out at Daehwi’s place—more like since he got _kicked out_ by Daehwi himself—Woojin has only been hanging out with Jihoon rather than Hyungseob. “It’s not running away,” Woojin had stated, but Youngmin thinks the reason why Woojin stopped talking to Hyungseob is because a rumor had gone around about Hyungseob becoming ‘a thing’ with another kid named Euiwoong who studies politics.

 

The only reason why the love triangle’s still a thing, even after all that, is because a ‘private source’ told Woojin that Euiwoong and Hyungseob are just childhood friends and Hyungseob’s still upset at Woojin avoiding him only to show up everywhere around campus with Park Jihoon on his trail.

 

Basically, it’s messy as fuck.

 

“I don’t,” Hyungseob is quick to correct. “I was just going to meet Woongie. He’s the one who has a class today.” Woojin’s face falls at the admission (and probably the pet name). On the contrary, Jihoon looks smug.

 

“Woongie, huh?” Woojin whispers under his breath. Hyungseob notices his slip up immediately, eyes growing wide with surprise.

 

“Y-Yeah, Woongie. That’s, um, Euiwoong.”

 

Woojin smiles. It’s a little painful to see. “I know.”

 

Hyungseob seems to realize how awkward the situation has gotten, so he stumbles on his own steps, and Woojin reaches out with a hand to steady his shoulders. Both of their faces turn red. Jihoon is, evidently, unpleased.

 

“I should really go now!” Hyungseob says in a rush, the words coming out seemingly faster than his mouth’s movements. “I’ll see you, Woojinie! And, and uh—” by this point, Youngmin worries if Hyungseob will trip over his own two feet, considering the panic he’s going through as he attempts to run away (literally) from the situation. “Bye, Jihoon and Youngmin hyung!”

 

Just like that, he’s gone. It’s also the beginning of Youngmin’s impending headache, because this is going to be the only thing Woojin will talk to him about for the next two days. _Why_.

 

 

* * *

 

 

juliet (00:14): are u awake

paca hyung (00:14): YES

paca hyung (00:15): i mean yes

paca hyung (00:15): sorry my caps key was on

juliet (00:16): do i wanna know why??

paca hyung (00:16): um

 

(Nice going, Youngmin. How eloquent.)

 

juliet (00:17): haha kidding!!!

juliet (00:18): why are you awake though it’s late >:(

paca hyung (00:18): shouldn’t i ask the same for you

paca hyung (00:19): but i’m writing lyrics

juliet (00:19): do you want to write with me?

paca hyung (00:20): it’s late though

juliet (00:20): we’re literally an elevator ride away…

juliet (00:20): ok i get it you don’t want to spend time with me is that it i

juliet (00:21): haha kidding im not that clingy

paca hyung (00:21): sorry

paca hyung (00:22): but if the offer’s still up you can drop by

paca hyung (00:22): i mean if you want to

paca hyung (00:23): i messed it up didn’t i

paca hyung (00:24): donghyun?

 

Much to his own surprise (and delight), Youngmin didn’t mess it up. Donghyun still shows up in front of Youngmin’s apartment, and he’s still smiling like nothing’s wrong. It’s the Donghyun Smile, and it’s the smile that makes Youngmin fall for Donghyun all over again before he gives himself a sharp reminder of the reality that is, he can pine for Donghyun all he wants for as long as he’d like and in the end, Youngmin still won’t have a chance. Joy.

 

“I thought you weren’t coming anymore,” Youngmin says, still flustered by Donghyun’s sudden appearance. Donghyun hadn’t bothered to dress up, which is good, because if he had then Youngmin would’ve been more embarrassed about having Donghyun show up while he’s wearing his The Force Awaken themed pajamas.

 

“Says who?” Donghyun responds curtly, hands crossed over his chest but the pose doesn’t look intimidating on him at all. “Let’s get some food.”

 

“Is there a place still open at this hour?” Youngmin’s brows furrow. It’s nearly one in the morning. Even the pizzerias have closed up.

 

“McDonalds, duh,” Donghyun says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world and Youngmin’s the only one not getting it. “It’ll be my treat. I know you haven’t eaten properly in a while,” the last part is admitted quietly. So quiet that if Youngmin hadn’t strained his ears, he wouldn’t have heard it.

 

The concern is touching, and Youngmin might be feeling something akin to butterflies (yuck, much?), but it’s really just Donghyun being a generally good bro and paying attention to Youngmin’s unhealthy eating pattern. There’s nothing romantic behind it, obviously. Just like everything else in their friendship, the whole ‘I know you haven’t eaten properly’ thing is completely, irrevocably platonic.

 

(God, he’s pitiful.)

 

“You noticed?” Youngmin can barely hear his own voice over the loud beating of his heart. He hopes his face isn’t as red as the tomatoes from his farm.

 

Donghyun stares at him oddly.

 

“Of course I did,” he says. His voice is soft, and his eyes are open and caring. “You don’t think it’s noticeable how you always smell like instant food? On good days, they smell like something microwaveable.”

 

“The cologne doesn’t cover it up?”

 

“Shut up, you don’t even wear cologne.”

 

Neither of them really talk afterwards. Donghyun’s still standing outside the frame of his door, and Youngmin is staring at Donghyun, pointedly avoiding the other’s lips. He settles for his eyes, and that’s not much better. Maybe it’d be better if Youngmin stares at his nose? That’s hardly distracting, right?

 

“So, do you want to go?” Donghyun reminds them of his agenda, and Youngmin shrugs.

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay?”

 

“Yeah, okay.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

The McDonalds they go to isn’t crowded at all. Inside the place that’s decked in red-and-yellow furniture, the only people there are the employees and four people, and Youngmin recognizes none of them.

 

“I’ll order for us. What do you want?” Donghyun asks, easily detaching the arm he’d previously linked with Youngmin. (Yeah, they were linking arms. Youngmin’s just glad they went out at night. That way, his blush hadn’t been as obvious as it would’ve been had the sun been shining on them that time.)

 

“Cheeseburger’s fine,” Youngmin says, because he hasn’t really tried anything else other than that. Woojin considers Youngmin’s lack of experience in fast food an atrocity, but it’s not Youngmin’s fault that he doesn’t want to get addicted to something that is, obviously, unhealthy as fuck.

 

“Want some fries with that?” Donghyun offers. “McDonalds’ fries are the best.”

 

Youngmin says, “Okay then,” because he trusts Donghyun’s judgment enough for that. It might not look like it, but Donghyun has ‘refined taste’ (or so Donghyun says). Youngmin knows that because he’s found Donghyun’s old food blog that he used to run back in high school and he had a fun time reading through his old ‘foodventures’, as high school Donghyun called it. Obviously, Donghyun doesn’t know that piece of information, and Youngmin doesn’t plan to tell him because explaining why Youngmin had been cyber-stalking Donghyun would be one long, embarrassing explanation and Youngmin’s a terrible liar. Donghyun would figure out Youngmin’s feelings right away and no one wants that.

 

By the time Donghyun returns with their food, Youngmin already has his notebook out and his fingers have his well-worn pen in their grip. The page is opened to the latest song Youngmin’s working on, and it’s about the current state of his life.

 

In other words, the lyrics are depressing.

 

“Can I read that?” Donghyun inquires through a mouthful of chicken nuggets. His cheeks resemble a squirrel’s like this.

 

“It’s not finished,” Youngmin argues, and it’s a weak argument, but at the same time he really doesn’t need Donghyun to read this when he’s got an entire verse on his feelings for Donghyun. Unrequited, sad, and hopelessly mopey. “Besides, I’ve shown you some of my lyrics before. You’ve never shown me yours.”

 

Donghyun frowns. “True, but my lyrics aren’t as good as yours.”

 

“That’s what you say. I haven’t even seen any to confirm nor deny that.” Youngmin pops some fries into his mouth. It’s salty, but he hopes that’s because of the salt rather than having the workers’ sweat laced within. That’d be gross and unhygienic and he’s probably sucking away all the fun out of eating fries because of his overthinking.

 

“Okay, fine,” Donghyun grumbles. Youngmin wonders if he’s heard that right, if Donghyun has really just agreed to show Youngmin his work. “Wait.” He wipes his greasy hands onto the tissue on his tray and slides over his notebook to Youngmin’s side of the table. “I only accept compliments and constructive criticism.”

 

There’s an undertone of anxiety to Donghyun’s words, as if he’s afraid Youngmin will start talking trash about his work. It hurts Youngmin, only a little bit, because he would’ve thought that Donghyun knows by now that Youngmin would rather step on a lego instead of hurting his friends’ feelings. He doesn’t say anything about it though, only giving a small smile (it’s a little strained around the edges and he hopes Donghyun doesn’t notice) and flipping the red-covered binder open to the first page.

 

“Ugh, this is embarrassing,” Donghyun continues to mutter. He’s even stopped munching on his nuggets. Youngmin would bet that if he looks up now, he’d see Donghyun gauging him for his reaction. Maybe even expecting the worst of it.

 

(Yeah, right. Youngmin would rather eat his own fist than insult Donghyun and his work.)

 

He doesn’t know what he was expecting in Donghyun’s binder. Maybe something more on the upbeat and positive side of things, because that’s the kind of person Donghyun is. The kind of person Youngmin knows him as, at least.

 

Whatever it is, he hadn’t been expecting the first page to be filled with scratches and barely legible writing. Youngmin takes a minute or two to read through the whole page and then read it all over again just to understand it, and it’s only on his fifth read that the writing begins to seam together, when the lyrics start to take form.

 

It’s a love song. At least, it’s structured as one, and the lyrics are romantic. There’s no way these lyrics are about something _platonic_ , and Youngmin looks at the date (Donghyun is systematic about these things) to check when Donghyun had written this: it’s January 1st 2017, meaning it has been months since that was written.

 

If Donghyun’s writing it based on his real life feelings (and who is Youngmin kidding, because the lyrics are heartfelt and they make him feel jealous because of someone he doesn’t even have a chance with), there’s probably a chance that they aren’t together anymore. Youngmin might be a terrible person for thinking this, but a part of him _hopes_ Donghyun isn’t with the person he wrote this about anymore. He doesn’t like himself for thinking this because one of these days Donghyun is going to find someone (who is a girl and therefore most definitely not Im Youngmin) and Youngmin’s going to end up alone because he can’t seem to move on from his friend.

 

A classic fairytale ending, Youngmin styled.

 

“The lyrics are interesting,” Youngmin says, faking a conversational tone to see what that brings him. “They’re heartfelt.” That part is honest. Donghyun’s mouth opens slightly, eyes alight in recognition as he understands which song Youngmin must be talking about.

 

“Yeah.” Donghyun chuckles, a tender smile on his lips. “They are. I wrote that for my girlfriend. Well, ex-girlfriend now, I guess.”

 

“You must’ve loved her a lot.” Youngmin doesn’t know why he’s saying all of this. He wants to put on duct tape on his own damned self, because he doesn’t know when to shut up, does he? At least Donghyun doesn’t look like he’s mad at Youngmin for saying that, and that is somewhat a reassurance that Youngmin hadn’t prodded too far.

 

Surprisingly, Donghyun scoffs.

 

“Nah, I didn’t. It was puppy love more than anything. We were high school sweethearts, but it didn’t work out the way we wanted it to in college. Shit happened and people change, you know? One day we talked about it and we ended it. Figured neither of us really loved each other,” Donghyun confesses, sounding like he’s talking about the weather instead of his past relationship.

 

Youngmin admires that about him, because Youngmin never fails to stutter and basically get his nerves ridden with anxiety whenever people expect him to talk about a failed relationship. Maybe it’s because he tends to shoulder the blame for that, just as he shoulders the blame for everything else that crashes and burns in his life. Maybe this is the reason why he’s glum when compared to his lackadaisical friends.

 

“That happens,” Youngmin says after a beat of silence. He isn’t really sure about what else he’s supposed to say. ‘Good thing you’re not in a relationship anymore because I’m kind of in love with you? Or maybe in like?’ is obviously _not_ what he should be responding with.

 

“Yeah.” Donghyun laughs. Suddenly, he sounds weary. All Youngmin wants to do is hug him and tell him that he’s too young to be laughing like he’s already tired of the short lifespan he’s living now. “It does.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Daehwi stops coming to practice five days before Kang Daniel’s birthday.

 

This is a Very Big problem because without Daehwi, there will be no one left to play the keyboard and Donghyun will be the only one singing. Not to mention Daehwi plays a vital role to the band as their morale booster because the other three are ‘sullen and depressing all the time except for Donghyun who is sullen and depressing sometimes.’

 

The problem escalates when Daehwi doesn’t pick up any of their calls, plus a public phone number.

 

“What if he’s kidnapped?” Donghyun’s voice shakes at the end, and he’s gripping his couch with enough pressure to make his hands grow pale. “When was the last time the two of you saw him? I saw him two days ago, and he seemed fine but then again I only saw him in passing and I should’ve been more observant—”

 

“Donghyun, _stop_.” Youngmin grips Donghyun’s shoulders, forcing him to stop the previous squirming he’d been doing. He feels Donghyun slacken in his hold, but that’s not exactly a good thing either because Donghyun now just looks plain defeated. “We should just go to his house. He’s probably there, holed up in his room the way he always is whenever he’s down.”

 

“Yeah, but he usually picks up our calls,” Woojin mumbles, face set in a sullen pinch.

 

“He probably needed some time for himself,” Youngmin points out. “Or maybe he just overslept. It’s late and maybe he had a hard time in class.”

 

Woojin and Donghyun look at him like he’s grown another head and then some. This is because Daehwi is probably the most responsible person in their team. He doesn’t even need an alarm to wake up (apparently his body clock is strong) and yet sets one up anyway as a just in case. Not to mention, Daehwi is almost always the one to get them to rehearse whenever they complain (although most of the complaining is on Woojin’s part, a fact that Youngmin will never forget to remind.)

 

They cancel practice for the day and set out for Daehwi’s house ‘in the middle of nowhere’ which isn’t really a middle of nowhere because it’s still Seoul and he still has neighbours and a 7-Eleven. Donghyun is the one who pays for their Uber and Woojin is the one who gives them directions. Youngmin’s there to supervise and make sure none of them start hyperventilating because of their rampant imaginations of Daehwi’s kidnapping, which isn’t the case they have in hand because Youngmin’s gut feeling says otherwise.

 

(Yes, Youngmin trusts his gut. It’s reliable, trustworthy, and the last time he hadn’t listened to it, he ended up being stuck upside-down dangling from a tree. It was humiliating.)

 

Daehwi’s house seems occupied and that’s a good reason as any for them to stop overthinking as the patio lights are still on and the curtains are drawn. Daehwi’s car is parked there too, a Volkswagen Beetle spray-painted yellow with pink stripes that Daehwi technically can’t drive yet he still keeps around anyway. Still, the house makes it seem like Daehwi’s still there, and Youngmin thinks it’s a small comfort although Woojin has started whispering things about alien abductions and replication androids.

 

(Youngmin’s going to have a talk about whatever it is that Woojin’s been watching—perhaps too much—later.)

 

They knock, but nobody opens the door. So, they knock again, and this time Youngmin even shouts, “Daehwi, open the door!”

 

The shout was not a good idea because now some of the neighbours who’d been throwing a barbecue lawn party are glaring at them like they’ve ruined their collective nights. Technically, that’s exactly what they’re doing.

 

Even so, they knock again, and Woojin even sings a song at Daehwi’s door. Donghyun proceeds to apologize to the neighbours for Woojin’s atrocious act that he calls singing, and the neighbours soften up after that because Donghyun has the face (and voice) of an angel, and who can stay mad when he’s apologizing to them? Not the neighbours, that’s who.

 

“Maybe he’s not here,” Donghyun eventually says, eyes clouded and downcast.

 

“No, let’s try one more time,” Youngmin urges, stubborn despite himself. He raps his knuckles onto the redwood door, loudly and letting the sound rattle amidst Woojin’s mumbles how this might not be his brightest idea.

 

No one opens the door.

 

As they leave, Youngmin sees one of the lights from a room on the second story flicker and die.

 

paca hyung (22:10): daehwi where were you?

paca hyung (22:10): we only have a few days left until the performance

paca hyung (22:11): did something happen?

paca hyung (22:12): are you alright?

paca hyung (22:30): daehwi?

paca hyung (23:33): i hope you’re not responding because you’re just asleep

paca hyung (23:34): talk to me tomorrow

 

On the following day, there’s still no response.

 

 

* * *

 

 

**A Revised List of Im Youngmin’s Problems, Still in No Particular Order:**

 

  1. He’s going to fail his musical theory quiz tomorrow.
  2. The countdown to Kang Daniel’s birthday is like a Doomsday countdown that is unavoidable (because unfortunately you can’t ask someone to change their birthday) and things are going to spiral from the ‘bad’ zone to the ‘holy shit this is terrible’ zone in less than four days.
  3. Daehwi’s still MIA and he’s not responding to anyone’s messages or calls, even his other friends’ and Bae Jinyoung’s.
  4. His crush on Donghyun has gotten even worse and Youngmin will end up alone, raising at least thirty cats during his mid-life crisis.
  5. There’s no instant food left in his fridge and he’s starving.



 

Life is a bitch and Youngmin thinks there's a high possibility that he might hate his.

 

 

* * *

 

 

As the shitstorm that is his life unfolds, Youngmin takes a few minutes to call his parents. It has been a while, considering the last few months of his life have been some of the most hectic and he’s the type to forget contacting someone until it has been literal months and only then does he realize that humans have yet to evolve to reading minds and until that day, communication is the key to maintaining a relationship.

 

He’s still not Professor X from X-Men and thus, still needs to actually _call_ his parents to know how they’re doing. So, he does the thing, and he’s glad that his parents have gotten the same model of the phone as him instead of sticking with their old bulky (and freakishly strong) Nokias. Durable those things might be, but the camera quality is crap and video calling, for that device, is a thing of the future.

 

Before pressing the ‘call’ button, Youngmin makes sure his room is clean, and any trace of whatever incriminating activities he does (there’s nothing but Woojin likes to leave behind his comics for whatever reason and his father doesn’t really approve of comics) is safely hidden away. By safely hidden away, he really means he has them piled together underneath his bed, but it’s not like he’s going to facetime them showcasing the hidden parts of his bed. If Youngmin doesn’t do that with his friends, then the likehood of him doing that with his parents is less than none.

 

“Youngmin! We were wondering when you’d call,” his father starts off their conversation, the camera capturing the tomato fields behind him. Youngmin wishes he was there, just helping his father with the tomatoes and leaving behind the problems caused by college such as the band’s low morale and also some guy named Kim Donghyun that he’s halfway in love with, but the world isn’t a wish granting factory.

 

“Sorry,” Youngmin apologizes sheepishly, all pretense of confidence gone whenever he gets the opportunity to speak with his parents. They can read him like an open book, the same way most parents can to their children. Putting on a bravado is futile.

 

“Is everything alright?” His mother, ever so perceptive and always knowing whenever Youngmin’s anything but okay, gently prods.

 

“Um,” Youngmin says like the intelligent creature he is. “Nothing catastrophic’s happening or anything. Just… some things are bothering me, I guess?”

 

His parents share a worried look. Youngmin watches them with something akin to guilt clawing into his chest. The first time he calls them in a while and he’s making them worry. Nice going, Youngmin.

 

“You know we’re always here to listen, son.” His father’s brow are set in worry, his mother squeezing his father’s bicep as a way to ground him.

 

“And if you don’t think we can help, I’m sure you can talk to your friends,” adds his mother, and Youngmin tries not to laugh because if the problem is about his friends then how is he supposed to talk to them about it?

 

He holds himself from saying anything potentially hurtful or snide. There’s no reason to make his parents think he has an attitude problem whatsoever, no matter how incapable he is at dealing with his own problems and a need to take his frustration out on someone is just _there_ , currently dormant and relatively harmless, but has a possibility of acting up like a ticking time bomb.

 

“Okay. I love you.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Two days after Daehwi’s sudden disappearance, he returns to practice, but there’s something off about him that sets Youngmin on alert.

 

“Hey guys,” Daehwi greets them as he sets his backpack on a free table. When he smiles, it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

 

“Daehwi, where have you been?” He finds himself asking, and inwardly cringes at how blunt he’s being. Great job, Youngmin. The first time the kid shows his face on the planet in more than 24 hours and instead of asking if he’s alright, he’s already being bombarded by the question that everyone has been asking. It wouldn’t hurt if he’d a little more tact, but the question is asked, and the damage is done.

 

“In my room,” becomes Daehwi’s prompt answer. He’s probably being honest, because Daehwi isn’t the best liar and something within Youngmin tells him that Daehwi is stating the truth. “I heard you guys when you tried to come over. I’m sorry I didn’t answer the door,” he apologizes, as if Youngmin, Woojin, and Donghyun would be more concerned over Daehwi not opening his door rather than Daehwi’s very own wellbeing.

 

“Were you…” Donghyun trails off, and he is peering at Daehwi in concern. “Okay?”

 

“Not really,” Daehwi breathes, and Woojin is there in an instant, looping an arm around Daehwi’s shoulders. Daehwi leans into Woojin, letting Woojin guide him into the couch, letting Woojin help him sit down.

 

Youngmin has a feeling this is a story better told seated, so he takes the seat across Woojin and Daehwi’s. Barely a few seconds later, Donghyun joins him, the weight of the loveseat giving out slightly.

 

“I haven’t been completely honest with you, when I was telling stories about my trip to see my mom.” For some reason, Daehwi’s voice cracks at the word ‘mom’, and Youngmin exchanges a look of perturbation with Donghyun.

 

A beat of silence ensues. Youngmin, Donghyun, and Woojin wait for Daehwi to continue—none of them are to say anything, and Youngmin fears if he says the wrong thing Daehwi wouldn’t tell them anything at all. Trust plays an important part in friendship. Youngmin might not confide to Daehwi and Woojin about his little crush on Donghyun, but he shares with the three of them about his fear of not being good enough to be successful in the musical field the same way Woojin laments to them about his dramatic love life and Donghyun confesses he’s always scared of not measuring up to his team brother.

 

For the longest time, Daehwi has been _that_ person in the group, the one who rarely speaks to them about whatever’s troubling him. Maybe it’s because he’s used to keeping all the big problems to himself—apparently that’s something in common between child prodigies—and only sharing the mundane, petty and sometimes irrelevant problems with his friends.

 

A prime example would be how none of them know what Daehwi fears but they know he gets annoyed whenever Jinyoung sticks too close to Jihoon even if Woojin can confirm the one Jihoon likes is him, or how Daehwi hates it when his orders are messed up in restaurants but he never says anything because he doesn’t want to trouble the workers. All of them are real problems and they’re little snippets of Daehwi, but whenever a certain problem is big (as in possibly life-changing big), Daehwi keeps to himself.

 

Youngmin sees this as a leap of trust. (Or faith. Whatever.) It’s up to Daehwi whether he wants to take it or not, but if he does, his three friends will be waiting for him on the other side.

 

“On the last day I was in New York, the morning before I went to the airport, I talked to my mom,” Daehwi starts, voice laced with unease and doubt. “I… I told her I was gay.” He cringes at the end of his sentence, as if he expects the three of them to start throwing crosses at holy water at him in the name of God. Of course, none of that happens, because to the three of them that piece of information isn’t exactly new. Daehwi isn’t exactly subtle about his relationship with Jinyoung.

 

Woojin’s grip on Daehwi tightens, his thumb drawing abstract patterns on Daehwi’s shoulder.

 

“How did she take it?” Donghyun asks, the sound of his voice a near whisper.

 

“Not very well.” Daehwi laughs an empty laugh, one that’s devoid of any humour whatsoever. “She told me she needed some time to process the information, but she didn’t see me off at the airport like she usually does. She just… she locked herself up in the room, she wasn’t even _there_ when I wanted to say goodbye when my cab arrived.”

 

Daehwi doesn’t shed any tears, doesn’t even sound _sad_. He’s even smiling, although it’s devoid of warmth and resembles the jagged end of a knife.

 

“I got over that a couple of days later.” An image pops up in Youngmin’s head, memories of Daehwi walking around campus with hunched shoulders and frame hidden beneath oversized jackets, of that Daehwi wearing watery smiles and red-rimmed eyes. He’d known something wasn’t right at the time, but Daehwi always waved him off, and now he regrets not bothering to stick around and make sure if he was _really_ okay—because nothing about that Daehwi was fine, and Youngmin still believed in the white lie, even assuming that it’d been because of a movie or whatever instead of it being the serious problem it really is. He should’ve tried harder to break through Daehwi’s walls, and he’s so deeply rooted in his own self-loath that he only snaps back into reality once he feels warmth on his knee.

 

That’s Donghyun, placing a hand on Youngmin’s knee, because he must’ve noticed the tensing of Youngmin’s limbs and the grimace that twisted his lips. _Calm down_ , Donghyun mouths at him, the warm chocolate of his eyes meeting Youngmin’s own.

 

Youngmin takes a deep breath, inhaling through his nose, and when he exhales, he tries one of those tricks he’s always seen on those meditation videos where he imagines he’s taking away all of his problems with him.

 

It isn’t a 100% success, but he does feel some of the tension melt away, and his body relaxes. Donghyun must’ve noticed, but he keeps his palm on Youngmin’s knee still, as if that’s the anchor Youngmin might need.

 

(It is.)

 

“Three days ago,” he continues, “I got a text from her. I thought it would’ve been something more along the lines of ‘hey I’ve come to terms with your sexuality now so introduce me to your boyfriend!’ or something like that, but I got something different.

 

"She told me I didn’t need to come to her New Year’s Eve party, the one she holds every year with her co-workers and friends. And family too, but I guess I don’t even fit _that_ criteria anymore.” Daehwi scoffs, and when he looks at the others’ eyes, a deep frown settles on his lips. “Don’t look at me like that. I don’t need to be pitied.”

 

“It’s not pity,” Youngmin protests immediately. “We’re just worried, Daehwi. There’s a difference. Locking yourself away and not answering to anyone’s messages tends to do that to people.”

 

Daehwi shifts in his seat, squirming a little against Woojin’s airtight grip. A heavy sigh is released. “…You’re right. I’m sorry, I really am. I shouldn’t have made you worry like that.”

  

“As long as you don’t do it again.” Donghyun’s gaze softens. “Tell us if you’re having a hard time. We’re your friends, Daehwi. That’s what friends are for, aren’t they?”

 

“You’re right,” Daehwi agrees, and Youngmin’s relieved to see that the smile Daehwi wears now is like Daehwi’s usual smile. Bright and genuine. “Let’s get back to practice! We need to make up for lost time—and get _off_ me, Woojin, your grip’s making it hard to breathe.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Donghyun decides to crash at Youngmin’s place that night because his roommate’s girlfriend is coming over and after seeing sock being stuck on the handle of the door, he doesn’t want to take any chances. Youngmin can make an entire list of why Donghyun staying over is a Bad Idea, some of those reasons being:

 

  1. There’s nothing to eat. Youngmin knows Donghyun’s not the biggest on instant noodles and aside from that, the only thing Youngmin has in his fridge is cereal. That wouldn’t be a problem if he had non-expired milk, but Youngmin hasn’t checked on that in a while. Donghyun doesn’t seem to be the type who eats cereal without milk. Youngmin doesn’t want to take the risk.
  2. He doesn’t have his couch. At the moment it’s being sent back to Busan because his parents want to switch it with the one at their house. His new couch arrives the day after tomorrow because naturally, he is timing’s worst enemy.
  3. That leaves the choice to let Donghyun sleep on the floor, his dining chair, or his bed.
  4. Obviously, he’s going to choose the last option because Youngmin has some manners. But that decision leaves a new problem entirely, which is, where is Youngmin going to sleep?
  5. Donghyun says Youngmin should just sleep on the bed, and they could share the bed because it’s queen-sized and can fit the both of them. Because Youngmin doesn’t want to wake up with a rickety back, he agrees, and now the realization that he’s going to share a bed with Donghyun has just settled in and _holy shit he’s going to sleep on the same bed as Kim Donghyun._



 

In conclusion, Youngmin is screwed.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The water is cold by the time Youngmin takes a shower, though little of that is because of Donghyun’s showering habits and more because he hasn’t paid for the heater in a while. It does enough to shock him out of whatever thoughts he’d had, because the cold when mixed with the night air makes his limbs feel like they’re freezing. Youngmin is quick to get out of the shower, although he doesn’t forget to wash his hair first. He tries to do all of that in record time because having greasy hair feels uncomfortable and he wants to smell less akin of exhaustion and sweat and more soap and cleanliness around Donghyun.

 

He wraps the towel (dark grey with no patterns and what Woojin dubs as Youngmin’s ‘grown up towel’ whatever that’s supposed to mean) around his waist, hair still wet and feet determined to get him to his closet as fast as possible. Outside the bathroom it’s even colder because at least the bathroom isn’t air conditioned, unlike Youngmin’s slightly cramped bedroom.

 

“Youngmin hyung, is that you?” Donghyun calls out from the living room, pausing whatever it is he’d been watching on the television. He’s moved one of the dining chairs to the front of the television (after getting Youngmin’s permission) and is currently sprawled out, looking as comfortable as someone can be while sitting on an uncomfortable chair.

 

“Yeah,” Youngmin returns, and before he can shut the door (does he want Donghyun to see him half-naked? Not really), Donghyun’s shouting something about ‘wait’, and a few moments later he’s in front of Youngmin’s door. The only thing that seperates them is the doorframe, and Youngmin unconsciously steps further inside his room, determined to put as much distance between them as possible without it being rude.

 

“Do you want me to put on a movie? I think we can watch some, right?” Donghyun asks hopefully, practically beaming up at Youngmin. “I saw you had a couple of musicals in your collection and it’s been a while since I’ve watched one.”

 

Youngmin’s throat feels dry. Maybe this is because he’s half-naked in front of Donghyun who seems to be too focused on the movies to realize that Youngmin hasn’t dressed yet.

 

“Sure,” he agrees easily, all too ready to close the door and get himself into some proper clothes.

 

He starts wondering if he’d said something wrong (which would be weird because he’s pretty shre he’s only been speaking one-syllable words) when Donghyun’s smile melts away and he just _freezes_ in his steps. It’s not until Youngmin realizes that Donghyun has his eyes trained on his bare torso that Youngmin realizes _why_ , and when he does, he feels heat creep up his neck.

 

_God, this is awkward._

 

“Uh.” Because Youngmin is brilliant with words, that’s all he says, and he even sounds dumbfounded while he’s saying it. All he wants to do is crawl under the covers of his bed and sleep until the gig (and after that go to sleep again) because Donghyun seems to be shell-shocked after seeing his body. Is there something wrong with it? Are there still hints of the tattoo he’d gotten back in freshman year on a drunken whim? (It’s removed now, but maybe there’s still traces of it left behind? Just maybe?)

 

“Sorry,” Donghyun pipes out, the sound of his voice slightly higher than usual. “I’ll just… go.”

 

Just like that, Donghyun’s gone in a flash, leaving Youngmin confused at whatever it is that just transpired.

 

He gets dressed, but it’s a clumsy endeavor as his fingers tremble and his heart feels like it’s beating a million miles per hour. There’s a calming effect that comes with the act of putting on clothes, though, so by the time he slides his trainers up, he’s significantly calmed down and his cheeks aren’t red anymore—just the tips of his ears, a searing shade of red.

 

Donghyun refuses to look at him when Youngmin joins him in the living room, pulling up another chair beside him. This isn’t the most comfortable movie watching position by far, because the chair’s stiff and there’s no place to lay down on, but it beats sitting on the floor. (Only slightly.)

 

“Are we going to watch the movie?” Youngmin asks after he can’t stand the tense, awkward silence anymore, and Donghyun nods weakly. He sets up the DVD, and Youngmin catches glimpse of the movie Donghyun picked. ‘Sing Street’, a movie Youngmin hasn’t watched in a while, but he remembers some of it—kind of. “Have you watched that?”

 

“I haven’t.” It’s weird to see Donghyun speak like that, meek and weak (oh, that rhymed!), and it’s not like Youngmin’s dense enough not to notice how he’s practically looking at anywhere else in the room but Youngmin. Even the broken clock right above the television, even if it’s long stopped and the time shown is nowhere near the current time.

 

“Well, it’s a good one.”

 

“Oh, cool.”

 

Neither of them do anything to break the silence afterwards, and if he had to put it in an expression, the tension would be thick enough to slice through. Youngmin sneaks a glance at Donghyun, only to find the younger had been looking at him already—and Donghyun looks away, head swishing so fast that Youngmin would’ve thought he was trying to shake something out of his hair. His cheeks are tinged pink after getting caught, fists clenched tightly on top of his lap.

 

Youngmin wants to say something to break the ice, maybe something like, ‘I’m sorry you had to see me half-naked I’m sure nobody wants that image’, but the words are lodged in his throat and he’s stuck watching the movie half-heartedly, mouth wanting to speak but heart giving him warning signs to just stay quiet instead of potentially ruining the mood even further.

 

Donghyun’s nowhere different, because he doesn’t say anything, and Youngmin’s too afraid to check on his reactions on the movie because he’s half-afraid if Donghyun’s looking at him instead of paying attention to the rolling clip. It’s not like Donghyun’s stare is _scary_ , because it’s really not, but Youngmin blushes easily under attention—and this is Donghyun’s attention he’s talking about, so one plus one equals two, etcetera.

 

“Hyung, can I ask you something?” Donghyun asks, out of the blue, and Youngmin might’ve jumped a little because he was a little shaken, but anyway.

 

“Sure thing! Shoot.”

 

There’s a flicker of hesitation in Donghyun’s face, but his resolve crumbles through. “How did you know you were bi?”

 

Youngmin hadn’t been expecting _that_.

 

“I guess I figured it out when I was thirteen?” His voice lilts at the end of his statement slash imposed question. “At the time, there was a new kid in my class. Ong Seongwoo. He wasn’t really going to stay for long—apparently his parents moved around a lot—but we became fast friends. Somewhere along the line, the both of us thought it’d be a fun idea to give each other our first kiss?” God, the both of them were always up to nearly everything back then, now that Youngmin thinks about it. “And we thought it’d be gross. But it wasn’t, so we did it some more. We tried dating for a while after that, and it was like dating any other person. We broke up because he was moving again, this time out of the country, and the tech back then didn’t make long distance relationships as easy as now.”

 

That and neither of them had come out of the closet back then, and neither wanted to take the risk of using letters or something and having their parents snoop through them. So, they gave up on what was essentially a seven-month middle school relationship, both of them choosing to let each other go and start a new chapter. Youngmin remembers how heartbroken he was, sometimes cutting class because it wasn’t the same without Seongwoo around to talk and laugh and hold hands with at the back of the class. It was a relationship that wasn’t meant to last anyway, but Youngmin thinks he wouldn’t have it any other way—it was one of those experience where he was able to learn more about himself, and he got his first taste at a breakup that actually made him sad. All in all, it hadn’t been the happiest thing ever, but Youngmin can look back upon it with a smile now.

 

“Huh,” Donghyun mumbles to himself, and doesn’t proceed to add anything to his statement.

 

In the background, the movie starts playing ‘[To Find You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3L_U_KjUNI).’

 

 

* * *

 

 

Post-movie, him and Donghyun move to Youngmin’s bedroom, because it’s getting late to the point it’s early (3AM, baby!) and they have the odd morning band practice tomorrow. Being late is not an option because Daehwi gets annoyed whenever people are late and Woojin makes it a habit to follow Daehwi’s lead, even if the real leader of their band is Youngmin.

 

“Lights out,” Youngmin says as he switches off the light, and his room would be pitch black if it wasn’t for the little string lights he has on the ceiling. They don’t form a star, or letters, or shapes, or anything else that people usually make them out to be. They’re abstract and Youngmin only has them because they were the only nightlights on sale.

 

Donghyun has the right side of the bed while Youngmin claims the left. They put a bolster between them (Youngmin’s idea) and they share the blanket after Youngmin found out his lack of spare blankets and Donghyun promised he wasn’t the type of person to hog the blankets. Still, it feels weird, knowing that Donghyun is right _there_ and they’re going to sleep on the same bed after experiencing two of the most awkward hours they’ve had in their friendship.

 

Five minutes pass and Donghyun hasn’t said anything, so Youngmin assumes he’s asleep. He’s about to close his eyes and doze off too, at least, until Donghyun’s whisper breaks through the silence that blankets over them.

 

“Hyung, can I try something?”

 

If Youngmin had listened closely, he would’ve heard the nervous undertones in Donghyun’s voice.

 

Because Youngmin has the inability to think things through whenever Donghyun is involved, he doesn’t stop to consider what that something might be, and gives a soft, “Okay.”

 

There’s rustling on the other side of the bed, but Youngmin doesn’t dare to move. The whole moment feels like a spell. Or maybe a dream would be a better way to put it—point is, everything feels unreal, and Youngmin fears that if he twitches everything would be broken and he’d wake up confused and curious to know what was it that Donghyun was meaning to try. So, he stays still.

 

The bolster is unceremoniously thrown to the floor. Youngmin’s heart beats faster and faster, and at some point it’s going to break out of his chest and he might die or spontaneously combust or _something_.

 

Then, Donghyun’s arms are wrapped around his tense form, and he feels Donghyun’s nose rest on the crook of his neck as he tangles his feet with Youngmin’s own.

 

(There is no heterosexual explanation for this.)

 

“What are you doing?” Youngmin shudders. Not in disgust, far from it, but because he has goosebumps running down his skin and yeah, this is definitely a dream, isn’t it?

 

“Hyung,” Donghyun murmurs, and Youngmin is hyperaware of the slow movements of Donghyun’s lips on the soft flesh of his neck. “Look at me,” he commands as he raises his head, detaching himself from the crook of Youngmin’s neck. This leads to a whole new problem, such as Youngmin feeling Donghyun’s breath tickle his ear, warm and coming out in soft puffs. “Please.”

 

Almost robotically, because he doesn’t know what the hell he’s actually doing, Youngmin moves, tilting his body to face Donghyun’s and wrapping a loose arm around Donghyun’s waist. Donghyun tugs him closer, and their bodies press against each other. It’s warm, and Youngmin’s face burns, even in the shadows of the dark.

 

“Has anyone ever told you how cute you look when you’re flustered? Because you do.”

 

“Uh, no. This is a first. Thank you?”

 

“You’re welcome.”

 

And just like that, Donghyun’s lips are on his, and this time, he doesn’t taste like alcohol and bad decisions. He’s unsure and hesitant, even if he’d been the one to make the first move, not quite sure how to move his lips against Youngmin’s. This is still more graceful than their disastrous first kiss, however, and Donghyun is careful when making sure their noses don’t (painfully) bump and their teeth don’t gnash against each other’s. The kiss is careful, and neither of them rush.

 

Youngmin doesn’t think this is a dream.

 

 

* * *

 

 

He wakes up alone.

 

Donghyun’s side of the bed is made, and there is no trace of his shoes, or anything else, as a matter of fact.

 

The only reason Youngmin knows he hasn’t hallucinated the previous day is because he finds the case for Sing Street’s DVD on the coffee table, the same place Donghyun left it yesterday, and there’s a thank you note stuck to the fridge. The handwriting is Donghyun’s, and the pen he’d used is left on the top of the refrigerator.

 

_I didn’t take anything from the fridge, don’t worry. I also didn’t shower here, so you might have some warm water in the tap for whenever you decide to clean up._

_~~Sorry~~ _ _Thank you for your hospitality._

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Yet Another List of Im Youngmin’s Problems, In No Particular Order:**

 

  1. His new couch smells a lot like tomato sauce, so whenever he sits down, it makes him feel like he’s in KFC instead of his dorm.
  2. Woojin has resorted to tailing Youngmin everywhere because he’s scared of Lee Euiwoong, who is apparently scary and reminds Woojin of his dad because of their similar mannerisms. This all happened because Woojin was confronted by Euiwoong who thinks Woojin is leading Hyungseob on by talking to him again despite still spending time with Jihoon every once in a while. This is the problem that could easily be amended if Woojin just chooses either Hyungseob or Jihoon now (but he’s terrible at making up his mind so that’s much easier said than done) or if they all just date each other.
  3. Donghyun is avoiding him. Both in person and in text.



 

 

* * *

 

 

**IV.**

 

"MARY:  _Look at me. You can depend on me._  
              It’s all right, I tell you.   
              If you will depend on me, it will be                     all right."

 

 

* * *

 

 

Here lies a full documentation of Youngmin’s attempts to coax Donghyun into conversing post-kiss, or as Youngmin would prefer to call it, The Most Awkward Sleepover and Sudden Kiss of His Life. For short, that is TMASaSKoHL, but that is a bitch to pronounce. So, he calls it The Kiss.

 

**The First Attempt**

**Location:** Right outside Donghyun’s dorm.

 **Props** : Chocolate, because who doesn’t like chocolate?

 

The earliest attempt is attempted on the afternoon after The Kiss. Youngmin waits Donghyun to depart from his dorm and in his right hand, he carries a bag filled with store-bought chocolate, because chocolate is romantic and he’s trying to be as romantic as possible. Knowing Youngmin himself, that’s a challenge, and it’d be easier if only he’d let someone who isn’t completely shit in the romance department (like Daehwi) help him.

 

But, because he’s determined to keep this from his friends as long as possible, he tries to figure out all the details alone. Chocolate is the most basic prop of a romantic move, aside from flowers, but because a bouquet are more expensive than the cheapest chocolate brand in the convenience store, Youngmin goes with chocolate. _Fun_.

 

As the door swings open, Youngmin’s posture straightens, and he thrusts the bag that contains the chocolate as soon as someone exits the dorm.

 

Said someone has long hair, is wearing lipstick, and is most definitely female.

 

“Are those for me?” the girl asks, already noticing the chocolate he has. “I’m flattered and all, but I already have a boyfriend and I don’t think we’ve ever even met—”

 

So, that was a total bust.

 

**The Second Attempt**

**Location:** The cafeteria.

 **Props:** Pretty much nothing.

 

Donghyun has been staring at his tray since Youngmin decided to join him at his table, and the saddest part is that Donghyun’s not even eating it. A waste of lumpy mashed potatoes, if Youngmin were to say, considering Donghyun hasn’t put any of that in his mouth and is instead mixing them around with his spoon.

 

“Donghyun, come on. Talk to me,” Youngmin tries, eyes all big, sad, and hopeful.

 

Donghan, who is Donghyun’s roommate as well as one of his friends, is looking at the both of them as if he’s missing the butt of the joke. Technically, he’s not missing out on any joke, unless Youngmin’s counting his own life as one. In that case, then yes, he’s definitely missing out on it.

 

“Should I go…?” Donghan trails off, already tidying up his tray and getting ready to move to the table next to them, where Hyunbin and his freakishly tall friends usually sit together for lunch. Anyone who’s tall has an open invitation to the table, including Youngmin, though Youngmin’s never taken up the offer because those people are intimidating as fuck.

 

“Stay,” Donghyun grunts, and it’s the first word Youngmin’s heard him say all day.

 

Unfortunately, the word was directed at Donghan, who gives Youngmin a shrug and a look of obvious pity. _Hang in there, man,_ Donghan mouths at him.

 

**The Third Attempt**

**Location:** Band practice.

 **Props:** Park Woojin and Lee Daehwi.

 

The third time is supposed to be the charm, and Youngmin’s _really_ hoping it is, because now things are getting plain ridiculous.

 

Being able to perform without making any mistakes is one thing, but if the band’s relationships are strained because of Youngmin and Donghyun, the crowd might be uncomfortable watching the vocalist make eye contact with anyone in the band _but_ Youngmin. That gets even more awkward when one takes into account that the two of them have a shared verse, one where Youngmin raps and Donghyun sings along with his melodies and it’s supposed to be this big, killing moment, but instead the moment’s killing Youngmin because Donghyun would rather make eye contact with the mic stand than him.

 

“The both of you are even worse than Woojin and Hyungseob,” Daehwi complains once Donghyun goes outside to take a call. The sad part of it is that the accusation is _true_ , and nobody expected there to be a pair worse than Woojin and Hyungseob during their few weeks of miscommunication. What’s most amazing about this revelation is that him and Donghyun have only had this rift for about two days and it’s already _that_ bad.

 

“Yeah,” Woojin hops onto the bandwagon, sounding his assent with ease. He’s probably just glad that he’s not the joke of the band’s love life anymore because that title has now become a shared burden on him and Donghyun.

 

“I’ve been trying to talk to him,” Youngmin weakly defends, because _hey_ , he really _has_ been trying his best—it’s just Donghyun who won’t stop to give him the time of the day. “He doesn’t want to talk to me, Daehwi. I don’t know what else to do!”

 

“Keep trying,” Daehwi says with a roll of his eyes. “I really hope you’ll get this resolved before our performance, because that was _legit_ painful to watch.”

 

Youngmin makes a face. “Okay, okay. Hold your horses.”

 

The door opens and Donghyun steps in, having finished taking his call. The tip of his nose is a little red due to the cold, and like everything else about Donghyun, it looks adorable. Kind of makes him look like Rudolph, but then again, Donghyun’s always looked more like a buffalo rather than a reindeer in Youngmin’s eyes.

 

“Donghyun—”

 

He’s one word into his sentence when Donghyun suddenly holds up a hand, eyes staying glued to the phone. “Sorry, I have to take this.” He leaves the room again, even if there hadn’t been any ringtone whatsoever even though all of them know Donghyun’s ringtone is an obnoxiously loud chorus cut of Hongdae Geondae.

 

When fifteen minutes pass and Donghyun still hasn’t returned, Woojin checks outside, only to return less than six minutes later with a look of displeasure plainly written on his face.

 

“He made a run for it.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Daniel’s birthday rolls around quickly, and before they know it, they’re all wearing matching outfits with matching stripes in the same spots. Solidarity is a thing, and even if Youngmin and Donghyun’s current state of relationship (or lack thereof) is a noticeable hole in the band’s usual dynamics, at least the matching clothes close the hole, even if it’s just a little bit.

 

Upon arriving at the party (they’re all riding Daehwi’s car and Donghyun is driving because out of all of them he’s the only one who actually has a license), Woojin immediately digs his cell out of his pocket and starts to type furiously on his monitor.

 

“What’s with him?” Donghyun inquiries, an upward twitch on the upper corners of his lips.

 

“He invited Jihoon, Hyungseob, and Euiwoong.” Daehwi’s nose scrunches up. “Not sure what he invited the last one for, because Jinyoung told me Euiwoong’s out for your blood. I don’t want to be held responsible for not warning you when you’re found dead in Daniel’s bathroom because you invited the same person who’s actually _pissed_ at you to a party.”

 

As much as he loves Woojin, Youngmin can’t help but agree. Daehwi has a point, although he doubts Euiwoong would go _that_ far. He can see Euiwoong scaring Woojin, though, and might stick around for the entertainment when that happens because he is A Terrible Person who laughs at the misery of his friends.

 

Woojin pouts, probably wondering why he’s even friends with people who laugh at his life choices and warn him of his imminent death instead of being supportive. “Whatever. I’m going to finish all this once and for all, but, uh, after the performance. Maybe it’ll clear my head,” he tries to reason, and Youngmin can see the logic in it, a little bit.

 

“Alright, Sparrow,” Daehwi calls Woojin by the name of his ‘animal persona’ in the band, which is also the easiest way to make Woojin cringe. It works, foolproof.

 

They get off the car together, and Youngmin doesn’t miss the way Donghyun tries to keep as much distance between them as possible. Now the avoidance is just plain _hurtful_ , it’s not even awkward or uncomfortable anymore, because Youngmin’s beginning to feel like Donghyun just doesn’t want to be around Youngmin anymore. (“I’m sure that’s not it,” Daehwi had said upon hearing Youngmin’s confession, but even Daehwi sounds unsure in spite of his words of comfort.)

 

The party is already in full swing, if the sheer amount of people is anything to go by. Youngmin can barely hear the sound of his own voice over the speakers that blare the newest hiphop song topping the carts, and the four of them constantly get separated by the crowd. Daniel’s not even there to greet them by the door, although Youngmin hears Kang Daniel’s signature laughter somewhere from the beer pong table, probably having the time of his life with his friends.

 

“Our gig’s in half an hour,” he reminds them, putting on what he calls his ‘stern’ voice. It’s the same voice Woojin’s scared of because he can remember Youngmin using it on him when they were younger and Woojin did something to piss Youngmin off. “You’re all free to go mingle and all, just be sure to make it back in time.” It’d be no use to make all of them stick close together, because they’re bandmates but not each other’s bodyguards, and a part of him is doing this because he sees the way Woojin scans the room for either Jihoon or Hyungseob, probably wanting to get some words in before the stage. Because after the stage comes his final decision and knowing Woojin, he probably considers that as the biggest milestone of his life already.

 

As soon as he finishes giving them their warning, Woojin sprints off, presumably in search of the two people who have been giving him enough stress to last a lifetime. Daehwi takes off after Woojin, though in a much calmer manner, waving and greeting people as he goes. It’s kind of amazing how Daehwi seems to know everyone, even if he’s a freshman and has been going here for less than a year.

 

That leaves Youngmin and Donghyun. Youngmin isn’t sure how he feels about this, beucase he’d expected Donghyun to be gone as soon as Youngmin gave them the green light to do their own business. But Donghyun is still _there_ , silent but watchful, and he’s actually looking at Youngmin for the first time in days. If he had to place all the emotions in Donghyun’s eyes, it’d be difficult, because there are many—but the most prominent ones are sadness and regret.

 

Regret for what, Youngmin’s not sure if he’d like to hear. There’s only so much his heart can take.

 

“We… I think it’s time for a long overdue talk,” Donghyun says, although his voice gets lost in the crowd.

 

“Speak louder,” Youngmin responds, practically shouting to get his point across without having to repeat himself. The music’s just loud (Kang Daniel must have some nice speakers) and the white noise of chatter does nothing to help.

 

“We need to talk,” Donghyun repeats, this time louder.

 

“Right now?” He asks dubiously. Sure, a talk might be exactly what he’s been waiting for (and has been rejected for multiple times), but when they can barely hear each other speak—maybe a party isn’t the best place to have a feelings talk. Or any other talk, now that he thinks about it.

 

“Better late than never?” is the reply he receives, and it’s not long before Donghyun’s dragging him by the arm to… somewhere, Youngmin’s not really sure. He’s more amazed Donghyun’s knowledge of the house (he seems to know the layout pretty well considering he doesn’t stop to ask for instructions—so it’s either he’s not a stranger to Kang Daniel’s house or he has a really, really good inbuilt navigation) than knowing Donghyun’s finally talking to him after the few days that felt more like months.

 

They pass through a room with a bright red door, and Youngmin finds himself getting dragged inside, closing the door behind him after Donghyun’s nonverbal request (he’s gotten too accustomed to reading Donghyun’s body language now and it’s either amazing or pathetic.)

 

“So,” Youngmin begins, leaning back against the door. The room is a closet, judging by the shoeboxes stacked and the clothes hung, but it belongs to a girl, if the dresses are anything to go by—he’s heard Kang Daniel has an older sister.

 

Donghyun smiles, forced and fake. It never reaches his eyes. “So.”

 

“You said you wanted to talk, so… you first.” As if Youngmin’s going to be the one who starts off The Talk after getting ignored and avoided for the past few days. He thinks he’s entitled to being a little petty, thanks.

 

“I wanted to say I’m sorry.” Donghyun swallows. “What I did was—it wasn’t cool. Doing that and then staying away from you is… it was a dick move, and I acknowledge it. I’m sorry it took me so long to gather up the balls to talk to you.” Donghyun’s biting on his lower lip, the browns of his eyes scarce of certainty—he’s scared and confused, and if the way his fingers continue to tap rhythmically on the walls, the anxiety is present.

 

Apologizing isn’t an easy thing to do. Forgiving is even more difficult.

 

“Is there anything else you’re sorry for?” Youngmin asks, his voice coming out as a low whisper that remains audible even through the hum of the music from outside the room.

 

He doesn’t need to specify. Donghyun knows what he’s talking about, judging by the way his eyes flash with recognition. It makes him nervous, because Youngmin’s not sure whether he wants to know if _that_ was a regret or not.

 

“No.” Donghyun surprises him with how confidently that’s said, a complete 180 from the meek demeanor he’d been wearing for his apology. “I don’t want to apologize for anything else. There’s nothing else I’m sorry for.”

 

“Really?” Youngmin surprises himself with how bitter the sound of his laughter is. “Not even the kiss? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I think that’s the reason why you’ve been avoiding me in the first place.” He halts himself before he can say anything potentially hurtful. Youngmin is bitter, but he doesn’t want to go so far as to hurt Donghyun’s feelings in the process. He still cares about Donghyun, even if he’s the reason for Youngmin’s recent emotional turmoil.

 

“I’m not going to apologize to you for that, hyung. I just—I just needed some time to think about it, and I don’t regret it. If I had the chance to do it again, then I would, I’d take it and do it all over again. Because—

 

“Because I like you, hyung. And it took me a while to realize that, but I like you, and I’m not going to apologize for something I’m not sorry for.”

 

Any and all pretense of Youngmin’s wrath is gone, and in its place is a gaping Youngmin, shell-shocked and dumbfounded. Not his most attractive look, but he can’t find himself to cover up his surprise, and that’s how you know he’s taken aback—probably the most taken aback he’s ever been in his life, because Youngmin’s life is mostly all about that consistency and with consistency, you don’t really get much chance for surprises. Especially not one in the form of Kim Donghyun and his confession in a stranger’s closet.

 

“Oh,” Youngmin says, the image of eloquence as he tries to not stutter through a one syllable word.

 

Donghyun is watching him with something akin to amusement and fondness. “Oh,” he agrees, repeating the word in a manner much smoother than his.

 

Instead of saying something like ‘I’ve been pining after you for weeks now’ or even a simple ‘I like you too’, all that comes out of Youngmin’s mouth is, “I thought you were straight.”

 

“I thought so too.” Donghyun shrugs. “But then I met you. I guess you never know until you meet the right person—shit I definitely didn’t mean it to sound like I think you’re my soulmate or anything even though that’d be nice and— _okay_ I’m going to shut up and stop embarrassing myself now.” Usually, Youngmin is the one who blushes until his face is as red as the plantations of his farm, but this time around, it’s Donghyun—and it’s a nice change for once, because a blushing Donghyun is cute and Youngmin doesn’t know how to deal with that.

 

“I, uh, wouldn’t mind that either,” Youngmin fumbles through his words. It’s a miracle he can pull himself together and rap when he’s on stage because he’s a terrible speaker. But, it’s worth it, because he can see the way Donghyun glimmers with joy.

 

“Really?”

 

“Totally, really, completely—”

 

He’s stunned into silence when a warm lips brush over his cheek, and that’s Donghyun who’d left him a chaste kiss. Even after Donghyun pulls away, he’s still so, so close, arms wrapped around Youngmin’s neck, their faces only barely apart from each other’s through the close hug.

 

(Youngmin thinks he can live like this for the rest of his life.)

 

“We, um,” Youngmin stutters, because how is it possible for him _not_ to stutter when he’s speaking to Donghyun in close proximity? “I think we can continue this later—because the performance and all,” he finishes lamely.

 

“Yeah, of course,” Donghyun agrees, but doesn’t release Youngmin from his hold. He only does so when Youngmin coughs, almost pointedly, and he jolts away—shy and perhaps embarrassed from the boldness he’d shown.

 

Youngmin pulls on the handle.

 

It’s locked.

 

“ _The_ —”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Kang Daniel’s sister is the one who breaks them free, because apparently Donghyun is friends with her (“We’ve known each other for a while! She’s amazing!”) and has her number on speed dial on his phone.

 

“This is exactly why the door’s never closed,” she says after she kicks the door open, and Youngmin is both impressed and terrified because of how powerful she is.

 

Seulgi is her name, and Youngmin’s heard of her before through the rumours about her being a part of a five-women girl gang. With the way she’s dressed, all black leather and a white tank that exposes her mid-riff underneath the opened jacket, he’s starting to think the rumours might have some truth in them. Her image is the opposite of Daniel’s, who’s known to be the easygoing, if not lame (but in an endearing way, because how else would he have made all those friends?) guy on campus.

 

Still, she seems… nice. If she wasn’t, then why else would she have broken them out of the closet?

 

“Thanks, Seulgi noona!” Donghyun thanks her profusely, and Youngmin follows his lead, showing her a wary smile.

 

“It’s no biggie,” she exhales. It’s amazing how she hasn’t broken a sweat even after kicking a door open. Seulgi takes the cake as the most badass person Youngmin’s ever met. “Aren’t you performing? There’s only like, five minutes left until your performance.”

 

She’s right. There are only a few minutes to go until their performance, and knowing Daehwi, he’s probably sent out a mass text to everyone in the party to inquire their whereabouts.

 

Youngmin grasps Donghyun’s hand in is and breaks into a run. (In retrospect, he should’ve let Donghyun lead him, because Donghyun actually knows the way around.)

 

 

* * *

 

 

They have three songs on their setlist. The first one is a cover of Bruno Mars’ ‘That’s What I Like’, because apparently that’s Daniel’s current obsession and he wouldn’t stop pestering them until they agreed to perform it for him. The second is an original, a song that Daehwi had written about a birthday, so technically, Daniel has his very own birthday song—that’s probably the reason why he was hyped as hell during that song, jumping around and generally making a bigger fool of himself than usual. The final one is another one of Daehwi’s compositions that’s coupled with Woojin’s choreography, a song that they’d created but performed, unlike their usual band performance, like an idol group’s. With choreography and no instruments on stage and everything, and that’s actually the performance Youngmin was the most worried about because his limbs are long and he can barely control them when dancing.

 

Practice pays off, though, because he safely performs the song without accidentally slapping anyone with his elbows. Woojin is the _real_ star of that song—oh, right, it’s called ‘Welcome to my Hollywood’—because his dancing trumps over anyone who just dances for like, one occasion and proceeds to never dance again. (Youngmin is referring to himself.)

 

“I can’t believe we didn’t mess it up.” Youngmin laughs, exhilaration pounding through his veins.

 

Next to him, Daehwi is grinning triumphantly. “I told you this thing would work out.”

 

Even if he doesn’t specifically remember when Daehwi said that, Youngmin nods in agreement, and his smile is so wide he can feel his cheeks start to hurt. “So, has anyone contacted us for another performance?”

 

“Well, there was Daniel’s friend who approached us to perform at his older brother’s wedding, and then there’s also this girl in my class….”

 

 

* * *

 

 

won stealer (09:00): hello guess who has important news

won stealer (09:00): it me

fashionista (09:01): stfu it’s too early

won stealer (09:01): rude??? youngmin and donghyun hyung i would like to report lee daehwi for rudeness???

fashionista (09:01): the

fashionista (09:02): you’re never this chipper in the mornings

fashionista (09:02): who died?

won stealer (09:02): NOBODY DIED AM I NOT ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY IN THE MORNING

paca hyung (09:03): you’re allowed but this is really unusual tf is going on

juliet (09:03): what he said

won stealer (09:04): ~what he said~

won stealer (09:04): lovebirds

won stealer (09:05): anyway i settled my early life crisis

fashionista (09:05): did you mean your love triangle

won stealer (09:05): that

won stealer (09:06): so i talked to jihoon and hyungseob yesterday after the performance

juliet (09:06): so that’s where you ran off to

juliet (09:07): proceed!!!

won stealer (09:08): the three of us decided to compromise

won stealer (09:09): try something new because it’s college and that’s the time to try new things and all right i mean that’s what youngmin hyung said

paca hyung (09:09): where are you going with this

won stealer (09:10): i’m getting theRE

won stealer (09:10): so we all just decided to try this whole date each other thing a try

fashionista (09:11): you mean you’re in a poly relationship?

fashionista (09:11): that’s the correct term btw

won stealer (09:12): yeah that

paca hyung (09:12): how did they agree

won stealer (09:13): we decided love triangles were too last century and twilight so

won stealer (09:14): that happened

won stealer (09:14): i ask for your blessings

juliet (09:15): of course!!! you haven’t introduced me to them though

fashionista (09:16): maybe you can do that when you see me off at the airport. you can take your boyfriends with you woojin

juliet (09:16): airport??

fashionista (09:17): omg i forgot to tell

fashionista (09:17): but um my mom called me yesterday

fashionista (09:18): we talked things out

fashionista (09:18): she apologized and i got reinvited to visit her soon!

juliet (09:19): daehwi i’m so happy for you!!!

paca hyung (09:20): told you she’d come around eventually

won stealer (09:20): congrats daehwi

fashionista (09:21): thanks guys <3

fashionista (09:21): i’m gonna pack now try not to blow up my phone with your messages

paca hyung (09:22): no promises

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Are you sure you’ve already got everything packed in there? A jacket, extra batteries, spare clothes—”

 

“For the sixth time, _yes_ , hyung. I’ve tripled-checked, you don’t have to worry about me,” Daehwi says, faking exasperation at Donghyun’s numerous concerns. One would think Donghyun is the one going on a trip, considering the amount of messages he’s left Daehwi concerning what to bring and what _not_ to bring (“I saw it on a travel website!”) instead of the other way around.

 

“I’m just trying to make sure,” Donghyun grumbles. He reaches out to ruffle Daehwi’s hair, a broad grin resting on his face. “Take care and stay safe, alright? Don’t forget to text us when you’re in transit and once you’re there.”

 

“Why not Facetime too while we’re at it?” Daehwi jokes, but Donghyun takes it seriously, what with the nodding he gets up to.

 

“That’d be alright, too.”

 

“Hyung, I was joking.”

 

“But it wouldn’t be unwelcomed,” Donghyun points out in his earnest.

 

Someone reaches out to poke Donghyun’s shoulder. It’s Bae Jinyoung, who has been waiting to say goodbye to Daehwi for some time now, but Donghyun’s been talking to Daehwi for over five minutes and there isn’t much time left until Daehwi has to go. “Sorry,” Donghyun apologizes, and gives one last hug to Daehwi before he walks over to Youngmin, who has said goodbye to Daehwi before him. The last thing he sees before turning away from the couple is Jinyoung caressing Daehwi’s cheek, and Daehwi melting into his touch—they’re cute, almost disgustingly so.

 

The dynamics of Daehwi and Jinyoung’s relationship is different from Woojin’s with Jihoon and Hyungseob, considering the three of them tend to bicker more instead of constantly showering each other with love and affection. Then again, Youngmin would make a hypothesis that’s because, unlike Daehwi and Jinyoung where the both of them are romantics, all three of them are similar in meaning that none of them are particularly romantic.

 

The closest thing would be Jihoon, although Woojin can attest to Daehwi that he’s more manipulative than anything, and it’s almost scary how good Jihoon is at getting the attention of his boyfriends. Hyungseob, on the other hand, is the clingy type—while Jihoon embraces it and lets himself be trailed after by Hyungseob like some kind of lost puppy, Woojin is subtler about it, and goes beet red whenever his boyfriends do something like simultaneously peck his cheeks in public. Youngmin would describe their relationship as young love, because that’s really the only way to go around it—it’s a bright, upbeat kind of love, where each of them aren’t well-versed in relationships and they’re learning together.

 

(“I’m really going to miss you,” Woojin had said to Daehwi after their hug. Instead of saying something like ‘I’ll miss you too’, Daehwi squished Woojin’s cheeks together, enjoying how the other didn’t protest no matter how much Woojin actually hates it—considering this is the last time they’ll be seeing each other in a while, he goes limp, and lets Daehwi have his fun.

 

“Take care of Hyungseob and Jihoon, ‘kay? If I catch word that any of them get hurt because of your oblivious butt—”

 

“—you’ll make sure there’ll be hell to pay, I know.”

 

“Good. Now come here and give me another hug, Sparrow.”

 

A groan. “How many times have I told you to _stop_ calling me that?”

 

“How many times do I have to do it for you to know that I’m not going to stop?” Daehwi smirks, leaving Woojin to grumble and wallow in his bitterness.)

 

The group that had gathered together for Daehwi waves him off as he finally decides it’s time to leave, as the boarding gate will be opened in a matter of less than thirty minutes and missing a flight isn’t in his agenda, and as they wave him goodbye, a warm feeling has settled in Youngmin’s chest.

 

A year ago, he wouldn’t believe it even if his current self told his past self that he’d be happy and content, for once, because the Youngmin of this day last year would’ve been too busy with his own work, not bothering to give enough time for the rest of the world. The Youngmin of the past didn’t have a Woojin beside him, there to break him out of his solemn exterior and have him indulge in things in life other than work.  The Youngmin of the past didn’t have a Daehwi beside him, perhaps terrifying but always meaning well, and never failing to be there as a steady grip to reality whenever Youngmin can’t do that himself. The Youngmin of the past didn’t have a Donghyun beside him, never failing to accept Youngmin even when he was in one of his moods, there to give commentaries on silly movies to help cheer Youngmin up.

 

He’s grown, both emotionally and musically, and none of this would’ve been possible had it not been for the people that now surround him.

 

“Let’s go grab some lunch, I’m starving,” Hyungseob suggests once Daehwi’s passed through the gates, and all that’s left is six college students in the middle of the airport’s bustling crowd. Holiday season is always crowded, Youngmin would know. “I’ve heard there’s a new chicken restaurant opened right across the airport!”

 

So, the six of them go for chicken, with Hyungseob leading the way singing songs about chicken (Youngmin didn’t even know there were _this_ many songs about it) and Jihoon, holding hands with Woojin, trail closely behind him. The rest of them walk further behind, and Jinyoung’s constantly checking his phone, probably texting Daehwi if the way he’s smiling is any indication.

 

The restaurant is family-run, and the scent of chicken wafts through the air, inticing and causing Youngmin’s stomach to rumble. He hasn’t eaten anything since breakfast, and he sees the way Donghyun’s grinning at him, probably wanting to laugh.

 

“Yeah, yeah, go ahead and laugh at your starving boyfriend.” He fakes a huff, leaving Donghyun to roll his eyes and mutter something about this being his own fault for not storing up his fridge.

 

They order, and their orders are served fairly quickly. On his left, Woojin’s being fed by Hyungseob (or more like being force fed, if the burning tip of Woojin’s ears is anything to by) as Jihoon’s too busy digging into his own meal to care, and Jinyoung’s still on his phone. If Youngmin had to guess, he’ll start eating once Daehwi shuts down his phone, so Youngmin makes sure to save a few pieces of chicken when he picks some up for his plate and Donghyun’s.

 

“What’s the seasoning?” Donghyun wrinkles his nose as he catches whiff of the sauce.

 

“I think it’s barbeque.”

 

“Oh, I like barbeque.”

 

Through the loud laughter around their table as they eat and Woojin continues to share stories of him stealing money from Youngmin as a kid, and Donghyun’s legs nudging his under the table even through Jihoon’s aghast “Are you guys playing _footsie_ under the table?”, Youngmin comes to another revelation.

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

People always have a drive. For Youngmin, it was once music and only that, but now, he has the people he loves.  He knows he’ll always keep fighting for them, would kick life in its metaphorical shin even if it makes his legs bruise, because it’s a long journey ahead and there’ll be obstacles waiting for him; some of them might be difficult to overcome, others an easy hurdle, but he’ll make sure to pass through them not for himself, but for the ones he holds closest to his heart. His parents, who wait for him to return and gave him tips how to clean up the couch that smelled like tomato sauce. Woojin and Daehwi, who have somehow wormed their ways into his heart no matter how much they can be. Donghyun, who smiles at him like they’re the only ones in the world, sharing some kind of private joke.

 

 

 

 

 

So, this is it. Youngmin’s life is far from the picture perfect adulthood he used to dream of.  He still has his fair share of problems (for one, he has now run out of hot water in his dorm and showering with cold water in the middle of winter is actually painful).  He still eats instant meals instead of anything gourmet because his monthly budget remains the same. There's no guarantee of him being successful after graduating either.

 

 

 

 

 

But as long as he has the people he cherishes the most around him, he wouldn’t have it any other way.

**Author's Note:**

> Talk to me on [twitter.](http://twitter.com/uitsdonghyun)


End file.
